Faking fuck yous

Im watching the moon cross the sky tonight.
Im moving on this world
Ever turning.
Nothing is left in the same corner.

Sometimes i think we can read eachothers minds just by living in eachothers eyes
We used to fight it,
Now we cherish the moment first,
Then look away.
I hate you.
I ended up at your place.
I needed my gage.
Needed my gage.
Sure.
You answered me with a yes. Come.
Fuck you.
How did you almost know i was coming.
I love the moments of
No hesitation in this relation..ship
Lets rock the boat.
Steady storming we stay a float.
Never left in the same corner,
Trapped in the revolving doors.
You tried making 4 different plans with me tonight. One place we should go and eat, my place after this dinner, one movie, and now since youre not here youre trying to come over this weeked.
What the fuck is wrong with you.
Why must you always turn my way when i try to set your memory on fire.
Fighting you, feeling you, your presence is always enough to keep me sane.
We sang tonight.
I hate you.
I dont know what love is but two years of this funnel is wearing me down.
And this time it isnt towards you. Im flowing outside. Letting go of you and me.

We can barely talk when we’re around eachother. For a long time i always thought it was just me but your language failure tonight was definitely a nervous reaction. You said sorry, its been a while. Try a week. Less than that maybe. Normally i count the days but knowing you were spending your time with someone else i am happy i cant remember.
You said you let her go.
Hmmm.
Thats funny. And now youre up my ass?
Why is it so good when we’re together,
The kind of good that makes me wanna grow with you.
My animal, muppet.
My dear.

my lips lightly touching yours, pulling me closer. Ordering dinner. Talking to your eyes without a word spoken.
Why is my mouth on fire?
Red and green
Lesbians. What do they eat? Same second brains.
Its been a long time since ive been in here, your car.
Yeeess, it has.
You said you missed me, i said thats nice.
One the way home, i told you i missed you, you said i missed you too!
you remembered outloud, saying it first.
Either way i enjoy your company and maybe its just the goodbyes that i hate the most.
The unknown.
Will you come back? Will you stay? Can you be mine forever? Can you bury your worries and take me hold?
You knew why i hadnt had lobsters in forever,
and i know you just wanted my reaction.
Youre an asshole.
The biggest fool a man can be is when he tears down a womans walls, just to walk away-bob marley.
Friggen a.
I miss you. When i said it all romantically silly, you wanted to believe me.
Stop playing and maybe i will.
Im not crazy im just a little unwell,
I know right now,
you cant tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you will see, a different side of me. Matchbox 20.
I cant help but sing, you cant either.
My hearts still racing.
Last week you laid on my chest,
Telling me how strong my heart is.
Told you im not having sex with you.
Im sending you signs that im letting go.
Lets see how strong my heart really is.
Pocket dialog cuz we miss eachother but dont wanna admit it.
We are disgusting.

An old friend

It mustve been your darkest hour.
The night you said i love you
You also told me you hated me.
You cried, wonder if you remember that
Wonder how you feel after that.
I was on your lap, surrounding you with the same emotions.
Wanting to rip your head off yet there i was rubbing your back telling you everything is okay.
Its okay i wont rip it off, i like it right where it is

Your darkest hour, I was there for you.
I fought myself
Not wanting to be
i no longer wanted to be your punching bag, but here we are
I am your tissue.
Whether you realize it or not, thats what ive become

Do you remember that long night?
I was there.
For you.
Now where have you disappeared to?

I look down at my phone
Surprise surprise its you.
Asking me what im up to today.
After a night like that
I want to run
Too much confusion
I think but dont reply
Im busy getting you out of my life.
I asked you to be my boyfriend.
You said you were bad for me.
Ill take your word on that.
Then part of me says
Oh hunny im bad for you too.
Cuz I’ll give you everything you need.
Everything you want
Thats who i would be
You would rot away with my heart
Never realizing it was there
You would die alone
with me by your side
Thats why we are bad

I need someone who will promise me to always do their best for themselves for me while i did that same and together we would grow

I like to tell myself
Its not the best time
for me to share my life
Get involved in anyone
when im just finding myself
Becoming me
But i would like someone growingwith me
I would like to grow a tree with you
But then again
Fuck off

I wanna tell you to fuck off
But ill tell you what im doing tonight and see where you end up.
It wont be in my heart, i can promise you that.
I gonna leave that part of me on the side of the road.
Whether you take it and keep it and learn from it is up to you.
But it will no longer apart of me
Soon
In my life
You will no longer be

And thats what i need.
You said i dont need anyone but myself.
i think you needed me
I bet you already know that,
and thats why you always push me away.

Ah yes the darkest hour is now coming back to me.
You said this before.
Keep pushing cuz my love has walked away, ran out the door.

Fool another lover and you will come back to me. Learn from your mistake and you will find love. Leave me be.
Thank you.
ILovehateyou
My dear friend

You& hope

I lit a candle and everything changed,

I began to see my shadows form on the walls. I fell into my mind.

 

 

Barely breathing,

I ripped the pages from my diary
And built myself a fire
Watching the amber waves form,
The warmth of my kinder tragedy’s, Free me, Free her

my memories are fading

Throw them away
Burn them to the ground.
Give me space

Give me time for my own history, and I will keep what I must

Shedding the weight of years
People I shouldnt have known
That old song it reminded me of you

It was a blue shirt and boots,

I could see his face but he was never really there

I was cold, always waiting and night too long

Im burning the tickets, my heart no longer needs that show.

I hear my soulcrowd shout,

keep me warm! keep me warm!

I never liked those sunday afternoons, but they burn sweetly

 

The past will fuel the fire until it eats itself alive,

leaving only pieces and prints left of what used to be.
I will always be me, this is why I am unafraid
This is my home, I reside in my mind

 

 

I used to have a diary,
I burnt it to the ground, filling up my holes
Letting the world save me
Oh Yankee, what a pretty flame

The only diagnosis is hope and you

What in the world? Shish ka bob

Getting home and whispering to my new fish.
Like we’ve been best friends for years.
((Heyy maarvin))
((Ive had such an eventful day))
((Miss you too bud))

Im sitting on my toilet dancing to King Harvest “dancing in the moonlight”
Very content with moments like these.
We need millions.
Its such a disaster out there, nothing better than the warmth of my very own toilet seat, in my very own bathroom, with my not so very own music, but very own in my soul… Laughing breathing…
to really make you feel okay and at home
Haha. Oyeyoyeyoye.

Slow dance to imagine- john lennon.
I feel you brother.

I watched ted tonight.
I silent laughed for most of it, still funny but not enough to catch me off guard.
My boyfriend was in the movie.
I love him, but funny thing is i dont care to remember his name.
Most celebrities names.
Weird? Admiration but no dedication?
Call me normal, they’ll think your crazy.
When he dances in the living room, i wouldve sworn the tv was a mirror for a moment.

I ate pot brownies. 😀
Made them in celebration of my remembering that years come to quickly and moments seem to last for ever until you realize there miles away. Live for the moment they say.
Love is forever.
If you feel the way i do,
((Some days i wake up an realize i am nothing like the way i used to e. that girl last month, that mindset 7 years ago. What did i eat for breakfast? What did she eat last week?))
So much attention to the little things that us humans experience, but no need to worry or wonder. Let the little moments pass you by, leave them withthis morning. That makes everything a surprise))
(I spelt surprise wrong))
And i then my phone fixed it.))

You cant live for the moment if we worry so much about everything else.
Live. Just live. Dont worry so much about every momeny. Let it happen.

And love may not be for-ever.
If i feel as though i change so much and dont even realize until these tiny pivital moments of consciousness come along and i catch a breathe, and continue on in my new mindset.
How do i expect love to last forever if i today, this brittany, doesnt always last forever. This journey changes us, take a breathe and evaluate. Then cherish then continue. Let it happen, even though it will hurt. It will hurt when and if you make it to 80 and we only have access to whats left of our crappy memory and mind, will you then sit and think about it all and go through the pain then. Let it happen. Allow yourself to live for yourself and enjoy the seconds, the dimes, the dollars and the joy of your own inner being.
Might sound selfcentered
But once you love and live for yourself, your energy will find all the ones and moments you can give that love and compassion to.
Mightve lost myself there but im too tired to check.

I put marvin next to the colorful christmas lights in my room.
Arent they nocturnal ?
Disco marvin
Disco mania

Ba na na

Hippie? Dont categorize me

Why do we refuse to adapt to the earth.
As humans we think this is our planet instead of seeing the earth as a home,
We see it as ourselves and we refuse to make it work. We destroy and we change and we barely reuse. We keep creating more and more of us instead of fixing the problems around us.
I know its a little psychotic but i think we should stop bearing children for at least 5-10 years.
Lets pause our life cycles and fix this world we live on.
If we dont adapt, our world will destroy us.
We can see that in the last 10 years with the extreme weather conditions, hurricanes, volcanos, snowstorm, heat, drought, earthquakes.
All these signs that we see as “needing to keep ourselves safer, more prepared”.
Yet we dont see the problem.
We are the problem. Send out more satellites i missed the news last night and my gps took me the wrong way.
Awful ways we have succumb to,
Instead of seeking the answers outside.
Lets change our world?
No.
Lets change ourselves and adapt to the nature of this magical place.

No box needed

I dont think i actually have a box.
That is my mindset.
Subconsciously.
In the moment of consciousness.
I dont need a box.
I dont know how to think in one.
The times that i find myself trying to use one, its because someone has asked me to sit in there.
Like a timeout.
Stay. Think. Realize. Decide.
The act of common sense.
Inside a box.
What is so common when no one is the same.
Alot of “mistakes” that people say
“Oh that person shouldve used some common sense”
Well maybe there on their own way to finding it.
Their own individually scheduled awakening to all things human.
Place them in the box and they might find four walls.
Shred the box to pieces and they may discover the world inside themselves.
I wonder why comcast doesnt run free movies in the top right corner.
So much advertisement when no one is listening.
Throw on a movie and commercial with what else is on there and people will be less annoyed.
Maybs.
Chillen outside, no box needed.
I can see myself wearing a cardboard sign, like the ones you see lost souls holding.
“Think for yourself, breathe for yourself, throw the boxes away”
Lets rename the earth love.
Rename it orange.
Who named it earth anyways?
What does earth stand for?
E
A
R
T
H

What do you stand for?
Yourself? Your life? Your job? Your child? Your mistakes? Your compassion?
Your box?
Fuck the box.
Put it in recycling and live outside the four walls.

Chocolate milk sitting heavy in my belly.
My birthday’s on saturday.
Wonder if i should celebrate?
Or call it another day.
Not that i dont appreciate my life,
I just think skipping my own holiday may be a rebels delight.
It shall be nice. It shall be nice.

Superhuman?

My day ends when i take my bra off.
Physically as well as emotionally.
Its almost like a form of meditation.
I lose the days worries while im unhooking my strap.
(Makes me sound like a hoe selling tricks)
((Lmao))
We carry so much emotion in our thoughts, where we create feelings which release chemicals into our bodies which effect our muscles.
Our muscles remember.
My body knows.
The day is done.
2 minutes prior i felt my heart racing a little as i was thinking of tomorrow and everything i have to accomplish.
2 minutes later and bra-less
I began to breathe.

Im writing because thats what i do.
Im writing because i learned a lot today and i would like to carry it with me outside of my head as well as in it and in my body.

They are all one.
They are the stars.
The dust of stars, how magical they are.
They walk on two feet
And their hearts beat.
They breathe in their surroundings,
It keeps them alive.
They can see the light and they can see the night.
They can touch with many things,
Though they only like to believe what they can see and feel.
They can touch others with their minds, theirs hearts, their eyes, their souls, their energy.
They emit liquid from their eyes in moments of disaster and happiness.
And they can recall these moments and often emit again.
Creatures of habit, living only through what they know.
They can build but they often break.
They can swim but many sink.
They can dream but they lack hope

They feel their bodies are just too small to ever create more than what they think they know

I feel bad for these beautiful creatures,
Burning what isnt theirs.
Never fully living up to their full potential.
Maybe if they didnt think about all the others, they could channel their own magic.
And realize they are not from this earth,
They are spirits of one.

Star dust, thats what we are.
The unmeasurable power of stars,
Clashing together and sprinkling it on earth, such a tale to believe, but so true if we could only try to see; anything than what is right in front of us, behind us. To look within us.
Let us climb into our minds of wonder and be more than all we see.
Feel the force inside of you and be all you can be. Beyond your memories, beyond your pain, beyond any sufferings of yesterday.
Separate yourself if only for a moment,
And just sit inside.

In this moment of years..
I cant be anyone but me, i cant make things happen just because i want them to.
But i can be all i can be, because in everyday, in all of our lives,
We can be more than the average human, we can control out thoughts while life lets us live, and we can be happy, we can choose to feel what we want.
We can be all we can be.

Superhuman?
Why not?

We used to call him robbie

Simple moments.
The ones you find yourself thinking about again and again before you even realizing its still sitting at the front of your mind.

I thought my brother had asked me “how are you doing”
That moment severed into my memory bank, like a bullet. I couldnt recall the last time my brother had asked me that in a genuine way, a way that he never does or really ever has. The kind of way that isnt in his nature, to ask a question with out already having the next question ready or his own response.
Almost always talking at me, but technically to himself.
I was shocked, i let the feeling hit me hard. But the bullet was a blank, and i was mistaken.
We were talking to eachother from a distance, as he was walking into my mothers, and me on my porch.
” what are you doing ”
Is what he said.
Not asked. What he said.
This is his help me expression.
Not help in a hurt way,
More so,
Where can i release all this negative energy.
I told him about water for elephants.
He thought i meant come over now,
And then apologetically said he didnt want to wake my son. As if my “invitation” required him to tell me the reason why he couldnt.
If that makes sense.

Its funny how i feel.
How everyone feels, i imagine.
The millions of thought and emotions that intertwine throughout our bodies.

Nothings perfect,
Nothing is what it seems,
No worries are ever gone,
No plates are ever really clean.
No eyes are ever truly open,
No mouths are ever shut.
No minds are ever really asleep,
And no hearts should ever be broken for long.

I found myself smiling after i walked back into my apartment. Sliding the door shut to lock, i caught myself thinking “that was really nice”.
Not sarcastic.
The conversation was fine.
it was nice to see my brother,
Coming home from work,
In his scrubs, me yelling at him about his lack of winter gear in 30degree weather at 11:30pm.
He yelling love you, goodnight!
I was yelling the same.
The sigh in his voice I always have to ignore. An just enjoy the moment.
All the ones that make me think,
Before i even know im thinking it..
That was really nice.

And yes, dont worry.
Im doing just fine rob,
Incase you were wondering.
🙂

Funnel

Leaving him feels harder every time i make myself go.
If it were up to him i wouldve stayed,
I wouldve been there when he left for work.
I mightve been there when he returned.
Again.
And again.
Thats how i would describe us.
Me and him.
Again and again.
When i walk away i wonder if i could ever describe to him the feeling that takes over me.
The panic, i guess.
Feelings of when am i going to see you again.
(((Its not really that thought going through my head, its the feeling. While remembering all we just said, did)))
Though i am just outside your door.
Even though you wanted me to stay, i make myself leave.
A funnel, thats how i said i feel.
I wonder if you cared to know exactly what i meant.
My guess is your thinking was.. Well if she wants to explain that, go for it. If not then i know you anways so I’ll just assume.
You asked me,
But i didnt know what to say, do.
I cant let out so much anymore,
I leave my dreams of us with the moon.
Most nights.
A funnel, me circling around and around just below the brim,
But as time continues and we spend it together,
The closer i get to the end, to you.
But even tho i feel close, i stay circling, making myself stay in the chaos.
One direction, always leaning towards you but never too far from the beginning.
You lean every now and then. Directing me towards the middle. But never more than that. But im tilted to you, how do you think this makes me feel? You say one thing and do another, make me feel another. Make me. Yes. You know you do. And there i am.
its always again and again.
We go we stay we stop we move.
Again.
I wish i could bottle up the feelings we silently share when we’re together.
When you pull me close to you, the energy flowing between us.
That would be our favorite drink.
It would be better than the dopest dope youve ever smoked.

I laughed till i cried tonight.
You covered your mouth.
Stop it.
Thats all i wanna say.
Just stop thinking.
Gotta let it rock, let it roll.
Put the bottle down, come and sing my soul.
Jack n diane.

I know you realize life is easier to breath when we’re together.
I just wonder where we’ll end up in your plans.

Never enough,
Again and again.
I swirl in my funnel of you
And us.
Take me down,
Before i fly out.

The nun spun in a circle after saying funnel. I wonder what street limits are. Breathing in foam is the only way to drink a float. Stay on the floor. iLovehateyou
My dear friend