Baskets

Dont worry your silly basket case brain.
Not one bitter heart is the same as another. The past shows you nothing is impossible to overcome.
The future is where you are, now..
Now… Now.
So keep with it.
Steady the hardship sailing.
Your scars are deep, and your heart is grand, dont leave your loneliness in someone elses hand.
You have two for a reason.
Hold yourself together.
There are moments that feel like a re-run, a bit of de javu, an inkling that you have been here before.
Grab your other hand and hold yourself together, its life repeating making sure youve still got what you overcame.
Its never the same, not one bitter heart.
Dont let that scare you.
There are millions, and at times you are the cherry on top.
But never for long.
Forget the what abouts and grab here i go.
Let yourself run free
Because all you have is the future, which is now.. And now and now.

Welcome to the future.
Youve been here all along,
so may you happily and cherishly carry on.
Happily? Yes.
Dont leave your happiness with a bitter heart, not one is ever the same.
If you stay on course you will never carry a new lesson from the past.
Strengthen the soul, charge thru the repeats; courage keeper.
Break the hand you once held and keep to your own, steal that light back, dont lose focus, keep on track.
You can keep the happy times in a lock box inside your safe, just for good measure; not every accident is worth the risk of pulling over for a look, but there is always something to witness.
See yourself,
Recall your purpose in that short-changed romance.
Attitude-reality check.
Sub to Con.
You were you in times,
Those were great.
Keep it and keep going
Scattered thoughts and moments of silence, serenity and numbness.
A spiral to a tornado to a piece of paper on your face. Dont smoke that with him, you knew that already.
But some history happens for future to fall into place.
Keep reminiscing, the exhaustion of two people and two years bulging from your skull.
Deer in headlights while in some scenes of recall.
Keep going keep going.
Let the seconds slip by till you see the light.
You are gifted, dont you remember?
You can still see the moon from hell, cant you?
If you dont…
Happy Halloween..
History will repeat, the ghosts of your past in a new costume..
What princess were you again as a child?
Belle?
Ahh Beauty and the Beast, how fitting. Now fix your crown your majesty, the queen of sun and rain.
Trick? or Treat?

Treat.
Prove to yourself that youve got it again this time around.
Prevail.
Hold yourself together.
You will live for so much more if you let go of the fact that you cant have that time back and just let that head roll.
Allow this awareness of yourself push you and carry that damn lesson like an award, even if the pain still sticks in your side like a shard of metal, a bloody thorn.
He never gave you one single rose, please dont let this bittersweet nothing, hurt you anymore.
A bunch of good for nothing copy n paste.

Sugar me sweet and dearly.
Do you; dolo in your dreams though carrying and being held by your world.
Like the cowardly lion who forgot he always had it in him to conquer and be courageous, until a bit of magic reminded him he was alive..
You have to remember who you are and build a bridge over that hole in your heart.
Give it a moat, an alligator or two.
He will still try to down bunker in it,
So then grab yourself a torch and toss a grenade as you wave goodbye, these small flames of regret will ignite the power inside.
Nothing quite like walking away from an explosion unharmed..
Walking back into your castle, carrying your new basket full of grace.

Mummies a lion
RAWR!!

Fucking great

I did it.
I fucking did it.
I stopped it.
I fucking stopped it.
I turned it off.
I fucking turned it off.
It was somewhere inside of me.
But its gone and lost.
I lost it.
He wants it.
I dont.
I wanted it.
Now i dont.
I did it.
I fucking did it.
I turned it the fuck off.
He wants it
But cant have it.
Fuck you
Not really.
Wow this feels amazing.
I dont even care
I dont fucking care.
I still like kissing you
But thats it
Oh joy, how badly ive wanted this.
Needed this.
Desired this more than i desired you.
Ha.
Devore me.
Nah.
You can go home.
Muahahah.
I still like our friendship.
And thats it.
Thats fucking it.
Great.
This is fucking great.
Fucking.
Yea we used to.
Not anymore.
Thats some old juice.
Shits gone sour.
Doesnt smell.
Just wouldnt drink it.
Dump it down the sink and say
I fucking did it.
I lost it.
I fucking lost it
And i dont want it back.
Muahah.
Suck on that.
Suck youre dick?
Yea i used to,
But thats some old shit,
I been and had that.
Thats an old beat,
I used to sing to that shit.
Had it on repeat.
But i turnt it down,
What a clown.
Wheres your game?
You had no game.
I played it all alone.
You just participated.
But i fucking did it.
I dropped it,
I lost it.
Im out.
You thought you won
Or were winning.
But i did it,
And im over it.
Save your shit for someone else
Damn i just lost track.
This is great.
Fucking great

Holding hand

I woke up the other morning thinking about oatmeal and peanut butter.
I dont like oatmeal
But i love peanut butter.

Do you know why we have two hands?
.. Maybe so there is always one to hold the other.
No one else maybe necessary; when youre all alone

And with love there must be hate.
I dreamt of dreamy things,
People i know, places ive been.
But it was more mystical than reality.
Subconsciousness and its imaginary system.
The way our bodies move and twist and
Turn and become
The way they remember and forget
And remember to forget without remembering to forget

I worked 11 hours today.
I want a dog like you wouldnt believe.
A companion for myself and for my son.
I will be a compassionate owner of a beautiful animal, one day.

Maybe thats when i will eat my oatmeal with peanut butter.
When things that dont make sense fall into place.
And with hard work comes grace
And love and hate.

I dream alot, and i push myself.
I question alot, and i push myself.
I try not to remember too much at a time, it helps keep the sorrows away.
We all have those, they come intricately with time.
Imagine selling time on a bookshelf,
Take a hundred years of this stuff and you’ll end up dead.
Check the date, could expire sooner depending on the era
Boom
Mind=blown.

If i stripped myself from the outside in,
And could see all the dimensions of energy,
Could i read my memories and scars in color?

Do you know why we have two hands?
I dont either.
Could be to hold others, but in the mean time, no matter what kind of freak you are, carry yourself through the show.

Sacred

The only thing i can count on
The only thing that is real
My one and only everything

It was an awakening
Giving birth to him
A soul inside of a soul
Him inside of me
Reaching the outside
becoming a being of reality
A soul inside of a soul
The start of his existence
Was inside of me
I held him
I fed him
He fed from me
He kept safe inside
Surrounding him for months
Encased in my organ
He reached the surface
He grew
He grows
Hes no longer in my body
But he is encased in another organ of mine
He is my pericardium

My love for him, it grows
When he became, i never thought i could love someone so much.
But i was wrong
I love him more and more everyday
As if he still resides inside of me
He is the only love ive ever really known
I cherish this love
Its something different than that l.o.v.e
You tend to see plastered on birthday cards and valentines.
Its that feeling that hurricanes in your stomach and rains from your eyes.
Jet packing through my mind.
Pulsating from bones.
That love you see in grandparents who made it through it all.
Hallelujah
It does exist.
It came from within
It grows inside of me just as he did

I was awakened when i gave birth to him
A soul within a soul.
Not just his inside of mine
But a level of me that seemed to manifest from a wormhole in my blood.
I had become aware of many feelings i had never felt before; that was just the beginning.

I was kissing him goodnight
He said mummies going to work
His breathing changed and his smile dwindled.
I felt a bullet try to penetrate my heart repeatedly.
But with love comes love
And i explained to him why i work and that he will be with daddy in the morning.
He said mummie no sad as he opened his heart to pull me in.
He then took my hand from his face,
I was still breathing his cheek in
And he kissed it.
I lost it on the inside as i often do in moments like these. As he and i are
As love is
I wanted to pour my heart out,
But he wouldnt understand yet.
Not verbally
So i looked at him as i faught tears and said there is nothing more that i want is to be with you always. I miss you anytime i am not with you and you Cameron, are the reason why mummie is always happy. I will never leave you for long. Never gone for long. I thought to myself that i will say this to him whenever i need to leave. Never gone for long.
I wouldnt believe you if you were telling me this, but my son had been playing with my hands while i was talking with him and i didnt realize what he was trying to do until he pulled my other hand out from behind him and kissed it.
He had made sure both my hands were kissed.
He is magic like you wouldnt believe
He pulled me in for another hug.
I tried to stay forever but he pushed me away to find the tag on his puppy pillow
A comforting mannerism.
I did the same as a child but it was a puff n fluff bunny bear.
It never left my side.
I never want my son to leave my side

He is my sacred place.
The only thing i truly know exists in this life
My insides held him
Grew him
Birthed him
I keep him inside
He surrounds my heart,
The muscles that carries me.
Hes less than 30 lbs and about two feet tall.
That my dear is something to see
Something to feel.
A mother
To my son
This is my extraordinary reason

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The place that i call, me.

Video

When you wanna rip out your bones and punch rainbows. When you wish the air would escape your lungs, why are there two, just take it all. When the ceilings couldnt fall hard enough. The sky came crumbling down and the clouds never really existed. The buried is alive and the flowers arent breathing. The moon is crying and the suns cackle is overwhelming. When the oceans are caving and the ground is above your head. The people never were and the end was only just a dream, just like the beginning. That here and now, one second of forever. You must be on fire, you can feel it from your eyes to your fingertips. The exhaustion youre sunk in, the bliss of nothing and everything. Thats the moment you land on that pretty star. When all emotions have lost feeling and everything that was and wasnt, is; and isnt. I wonder why it still shines so bright. No windows, no cracked doors, no opening for light. Thats a star of wonder, will you land or have you been there before. Make a map and tell me what you see, all the substance you can absorb. Avoid the consistency of the constellations and die among the whole sky. But let her be my treasure, promise to leave her to me. Let me live on that pretty little star.
That place that i call, me.

I’ll take Saturday to go with a side of dreams please

Emotionally exhausted once again.
Trying to sort my emotional reactions towards life.
Emotions are expressions of feelings.
I dont know how i feel right now
So therefore i dont how to express myself.
Even to myself.
Im tired.
I want to steal some time to dream
I need to shower.
Got a new position at work.
Training today and tomorrow.
I wasnt ready to give up my saturday to work, but my ambition got the best of me.
My house is a mess.
I want to clean it but instead i keep tripping over things.
Sitting for a moment seems like the better option for me right now.
Being a mom,
Sitting is such a relief.
My son doesnt wanna listen to directions from me anymore.
Im trying to be patient with him, as i always am.
But i slammed his butt down on the seat today when he refused to sit for one minute in the dressing room.
He cried and cried.
I felt so terrible losing my patience,
I wanted to cry with him.
I know its exciting to be in a store.
We went to three stores.
It became a free for all by the last one.
The one with the dressing room.
Some days i wake up and wonder who i am.
Wonder about all the real people im missing.
I shouldnt worry about that.
I have myself and my son.
My work. My school. My family and close friends.
But feeling alone, is hard to avoid.
I know i dont need anyone,
But being my own everything gets tiring.
My mother has always had a hard time being my mother.
She texted me some spiel about how much she loves me and all her kids and grandkids.
She doesnt realize ive unfortunately seen threw her since i was a child.
I wish she would try harder when she wears that mother mask.
I know she loves me.
Thats all i need to know.
I dont have a dad.
Hes somewhere maybe shooting up.
I have siblings but they have their lives and no one cares to know the real me.
I have an aunt who worries about my every move.
It annoys me but i love her.
She doesnt know me either.
Always assumes, but i know shes trying.
I have an uncle.
Hes weird.
I know he loves me but hes obsessive and the world owes him everything.
I had a grampy.
He knew me, i knew him.
I had a nana.
She knew me, i knew her.
Sometimes we didnt even need words.
We always understood eachother.
I have a best friend.
Her name is megan.
I love her but ive always been her science project.
She likes to figure me out. But she assumes alot.
Makes it hard to express myself with her freely cuz she thinks she already knows.

I think i need someone i used to have.
Like my grampy, like my nana.
The kind of relationship where we both know eachother and a great amount of understanding between us.
For anything, where no words are needed.
Just air to breathe and eyes to see.
I have someone like that.
But after everything weve been threw,
After how much ive changed to who i am today, its hard to fully be myself around him.
I guess i always fall back to my old ways, the one with insecurity. Thinking he doesnt want me when he leaves.
I need to knock it off and let us grow together.
A real friendship.
A real relationship with someone.

Ive always had to let people go.
Never wanting to get attached because sooner or later someone had to leave.
Normally it was me. Moving. Changing schools.
When im at his house, it comes to a point in the night that i feel like i have to leave.
Natural reaction to want to avoid disaster?
Wouldnt want to burn something so beautiful.

I offered to do two trainings this weekend, i want to learn. I like to stay busy.
The aries in me.
An emotional fire fueled fucktard.
What it dew. (;
Im loopy.
Feeling a little droopy.
But my shower will cure it.
I will clean my house later tonight.
This is me, this is my life fight.
Ill meditate later.
I deleted my facebook.
I feel free but i miss expressing myself a little on there.
Guess on here its a little safer.
At least i dont have to run into you at the store and remember you probably judge me.

Just some thoughts

Covered in fur.
I dont wanna be here.
My new bathing suit is at home.
Wants me to try her on and play around the house.
Waiting for summer
I found myself thinking about camping this summer, with my son and all the memories i cant wait to have.
I never think about being in a bathing suit.
Never my thing,
Showing my body.
Feels nice to be in shape.
Easter my sisters were talking about my thighs and how fit they are.
Walk off and said oh yea check out my butt hahah.
My aunt asked me how im getting so toned so fast.
I work out every chance i get.
Yoga, stretching.
Maybe im becoming too obsessed.
But these are the first times ive been comfortable with my body and enjoying how i feel.
Im glad people are no longer hating on how much weight ive lost.
Because im enjoying it too.
Weird?
Trying to quit smoking.
Have the patch on
But i just smoked my “last cigarette”
Moving slowly as me,
On a journey to where i want to be.
My son knows my real name.
And hes the only one who can call me by it.
Mummy.
Engulfing myself into my life.
Takes my breathe away