Emotionally exhausted once again.
Trying to sort my emotional reactions towards life.
Emotions are expressions of feelings.
I dont know how i feel right now
So therefore i dont how to express myself.
Even to myself.
I want to steal some time to dream
I need to shower.
Got a new position at work.
Training today and tomorrow.
I wasnt ready to give up my saturday to work, but my ambition got the best of me.
My house is a mess.
I want to clean it but instead i keep tripping over things.
Sitting for a moment seems like the better option for me right now.
Being a mom,
Sitting is such a relief.
My son doesnt wanna listen to directions from me anymore.
Im trying to be patient with him, as i always am.
But i slammed his butt down on the seat today when he refused to sit for one minute in the dressing room.
He cried and cried.
I felt so terrible losing my patience,
I wanted to cry with him.
I know its exciting to be in a store.
We went to three stores.
It became a free for all by the last one.
The one with the dressing room.
Some days i wake up and wonder who i am.
Wonder about all the real people im missing.
I shouldnt worry about that.
I have myself and my son.
My work. My school. My family and close friends.
But feeling alone, is hard to avoid.
I know i dont need anyone,
But being my own everything gets tiring.
My mother has always had a hard time being my mother.
She texted me some spiel about how much she loves me and all her kids and grandkids.
She doesnt realize ive unfortunately seen threw her since i was a child.
I wish she would try harder when she wears that mother mask.
I know she loves me.
Thats all i need to know.
I dont have a dad.
Hes somewhere maybe shooting up.
I have siblings but they have their lives and no one cares to know the real me.
I have an aunt who worries about my every move.
It annoys me but i love her.
She doesnt know me either.
Always assumes, but i know shes trying.
I have an uncle.
I know he loves me but hes obsessive and the world owes him everything.
I had a grampy.
He knew me, i knew him.
I had a nana.
She knew me, i knew her.
Sometimes we didnt even need words.
We always understood eachother.
I have a best friend.
Her name is megan.
I love her but ive always been her science project.
She likes to figure me out. But she assumes alot.
Makes it hard to express myself with her freely cuz she thinks she already knows.
I think i need someone i used to have.
Like my grampy, like my nana.
The kind of relationship where we both know eachother and a great amount of understanding between us.
For anything, where no words are needed.
Just air to breathe and eyes to see.
I have someone like that.
But after everything weve been threw,
After how much ive changed to who i am today, its hard to fully be myself around him.
I guess i always fall back to my old ways, the one with insecurity. Thinking he doesnt want me when he leaves.
I need to knock it off and let us grow together.
A real friendship.
A real relationship with someone.
Ive always had to let people go.
Never wanting to get attached because sooner or later someone had to leave.
Normally it was me. Moving. Changing schools.
When im at his house, it comes to a point in the night that i feel like i have to leave.
Natural reaction to want to avoid disaster?
Wouldnt want to burn something so beautiful.
I offered to do two trainings this weekend, i want to learn. I like to stay busy.
The aries in me.
An emotional fire fueled fucktard.
What it dew. (;
Feeling a little droopy.
But my shower will cure it.
I will clean my house later tonight.
This is me, this is my life fight.
Ill meditate later.
I deleted my facebook.
I feel free but i miss expressing myself a little on there.
Guess on here its a little safer.
At least i dont have to run into you at the store and remember you probably judge me.