Armagettin it idk

Sitting inside you can still get lost
Like walking into the next room
Forgetting what you went in there for
Unfound
Inside herself
But not for long
It rained alot in this room
She danced in the rain
Till she spotted the sun shining through the open door
Who left the door open
How long has it been there
Have i been there before
Isnt that my old room
Lightbulbs hanging from the ceiling
They scattered the light onto everywall
Such a pretty sight

Its hard to leave the rain when youre soaking wet
Why get dry when you enjoy puddle jumping
Hop hop
Hop to it darling
Lets find the sun again!
This is where you were
Thats who you are
Push the clouds from you eyes
Dry the tears of pain
Remember who you are again
Sweet remedy of light

Guide yourself
Its always been you behind the armor
Shine in your kingdom
Top floor
Skylight
Balcony looking onto the world
Breathing
Watch your breathe
Follow your mind
Listen to your heart
Regain
Regain

I love you me
Here you are
Lock the door
Stay here
Carve these walls
Paint the floor
Sing songs along the lines
In the lines
Make your lines
Make your mind
In your light

Baskets

Dont worry your silly basket case brain.
Not one bitter heart is the same as another. The past shows you nothing is impossible to overcome.
The future is where you are, now..
Now… Now.
So keep with it.
Steady the hardship sailing.
Your scars are deep, and your heart is grand, dont leave your loneliness in someone elses hand.
You have two for a reason.
Hold yourself together.
There are moments that feel like a re-run, a bit of de javu, an inkling that you have been here before.
Grab your other hand and hold yourself together, its life repeating making sure youve still got what you overcame.
Its never the same, not one bitter heart.
Dont let that scare you.
There are millions, and at times you are the cherry on top.
But never for long.
Forget the what abouts and grab here i go.
Let yourself run free
Because all you have is the future, which is now.. And now and now.

Welcome to the future.
Youve been here all along,
so may you happily and cherishly carry on.
Happily? Yes.
Dont leave your happiness with a bitter heart, not one is ever the same.
If you stay on course you will never carry a new lesson from the past.
Strengthen the soul, charge thru the repeats; courage keeper.
Break the hand you once held and keep to your own, steal that light back, dont lose focus, keep on track.
You can keep the happy times in a lock box inside your safe, just for good measure; not every accident is worth the risk of pulling over for a look, but there is always something to witness.
See yourself,
Recall your purpose in that short-changed romance.
Attitude-reality check.
Sub to Con.
You were you in times,
Those were great.
Keep it and keep going
Scattered thoughts and moments of silence, serenity and numbness.
A spiral to a tornado to a piece of paper on your face. Dont smoke that with him, you knew that already.
But some history happens for future to fall into place.
Keep reminiscing, the exhaustion of two people and two years bulging from your skull.
Deer in headlights while in some scenes of recall.
Keep going keep going.
Let the seconds slip by till you see the light.
You are gifted, dont you remember?
You can still see the moon from hell, cant you?
If you dont…
Happy Halloween..
History will repeat, the ghosts of your past in a new costume..
What princess were you again as a child?
Belle?
Ahh Beauty and the Beast, how fitting. Now fix your crown your majesty, the queen of sun and rain.
Trick? or Treat?

Treat.
Prove to yourself that youve got it again this time around.
Prevail.
Hold yourself together.
You will live for so much more if you let go of the fact that you cant have that time back and just let that head roll.
Allow this awareness of yourself push you and carry that damn lesson like an award, even if the pain still sticks in your side like a shard of metal, a bloody thorn.
He never gave you one single rose, please dont let this bittersweet nothing, hurt you anymore.
A bunch of good for nothing copy n paste.

Sugar me sweet and dearly.
Do you; dolo in your dreams though carrying and being held by your world.
Like the cowardly lion who forgot he always had it in him to conquer and be courageous, until a bit of magic reminded him he was alive..
You have to remember who you are and build a bridge over that hole in your heart.
Give it a moat, an alligator or two.
He will still try to down bunker in it,
So then grab yourself a torch and toss a grenade as you wave goodbye, these small flames of regret will ignite the power inside.
Nothing quite like walking away from an explosion unharmed..
Walking back into your castle, carrying your new basket full of grace.

Mummies a lion
RAWR!!

Holding hand

I woke up the other morning thinking about oatmeal and peanut butter.
I dont like oatmeal
But i love peanut butter.

Do you know why we have two hands?
.. Maybe so there is always one to hold the other.
No one else maybe necessary; when youre all alone

And with love there must be hate.
I dreamt of dreamy things,
People i know, places ive been.
But it was more mystical than reality.
Subconsciousness and its imaginary system.
The way our bodies move and twist and
Turn and become
The way they remember and forget
And remember to forget without remembering to forget

I worked 11 hours today.
I want a dog like you wouldnt believe.
A companion for myself and for my son.
I will be a compassionate owner of a beautiful animal, one day.

Maybe thats when i will eat my oatmeal with peanut butter.
When things that dont make sense fall into place.
And with hard work comes grace
And love and hate.

I dream alot, and i push myself.
I question alot, and i push myself.
I try not to remember too much at a time, it helps keep the sorrows away.
We all have those, they come intricately with time.
Imagine selling time on a bookshelf,
Take a hundred years of this stuff and you’ll end up dead.
Check the date, could expire sooner depending on the era
Boom
Mind=blown.

If i stripped myself from the outside in,
And could see all the dimensions of energy,
Could i read my memories and scars in color?

Do you know why we have two hands?
I dont either.
Could be to hold others, but in the mean time, no matter what kind of freak you are, carry yourself through the show.

I’ll take Saturday to go with a side of dreams please

Emotionally exhausted once again.
Trying to sort my emotional reactions towards life.
Emotions are expressions of feelings.
I dont know how i feel right now
So therefore i dont how to express myself.
Even to myself.
Im tired.
I want to steal some time to dream
I need to shower.
Got a new position at work.
Training today and tomorrow.
I wasnt ready to give up my saturday to work, but my ambition got the best of me.
My house is a mess.
I want to clean it but instead i keep tripping over things.
Sitting for a moment seems like the better option for me right now.
Being a mom,
Sitting is such a relief.
My son doesnt wanna listen to directions from me anymore.
Im trying to be patient with him, as i always am.
But i slammed his butt down on the seat today when he refused to sit for one minute in the dressing room.
He cried and cried.
I felt so terrible losing my patience,
I wanted to cry with him.
I know its exciting to be in a store.
We went to three stores.
It became a free for all by the last one.
The one with the dressing room.
Some days i wake up and wonder who i am.
Wonder about all the real people im missing.
I shouldnt worry about that.
I have myself and my son.
My work. My school. My family and close friends.
But feeling alone, is hard to avoid.
I know i dont need anyone,
But being my own everything gets tiring.
My mother has always had a hard time being my mother.
She texted me some spiel about how much she loves me and all her kids and grandkids.
She doesnt realize ive unfortunately seen threw her since i was a child.
I wish she would try harder when she wears that mother mask.
I know she loves me.
Thats all i need to know.
I dont have a dad.
Hes somewhere maybe shooting up.
I have siblings but they have their lives and no one cares to know the real me.
I have an aunt who worries about my every move.
It annoys me but i love her.
She doesnt know me either.
Always assumes, but i know shes trying.
I have an uncle.
Hes weird.
I know he loves me but hes obsessive and the world owes him everything.
I had a grampy.
He knew me, i knew him.
I had a nana.
She knew me, i knew her.
Sometimes we didnt even need words.
We always understood eachother.
I have a best friend.
Her name is megan.
I love her but ive always been her science project.
She likes to figure me out. But she assumes alot.
Makes it hard to express myself with her freely cuz she thinks she already knows.

I think i need someone i used to have.
Like my grampy, like my nana.
The kind of relationship where we both know eachother and a great amount of understanding between us.
For anything, where no words are needed.
Just air to breathe and eyes to see.
I have someone like that.
But after everything weve been threw,
After how much ive changed to who i am today, its hard to fully be myself around him.
I guess i always fall back to my old ways, the one with insecurity. Thinking he doesnt want me when he leaves.
I need to knock it off and let us grow together.
A real friendship.
A real relationship with someone.

Ive always had to let people go.
Never wanting to get attached because sooner or later someone had to leave.
Normally it was me. Moving. Changing schools.
When im at his house, it comes to a point in the night that i feel like i have to leave.
Natural reaction to want to avoid disaster?
Wouldnt want to burn something so beautiful.

I offered to do two trainings this weekend, i want to learn. I like to stay busy.
The aries in me.
An emotional fire fueled fucktard.
What it dew. (;
Im loopy.
Feeling a little droopy.
But my shower will cure it.
I will clean my house later tonight.
This is me, this is my life fight.
Ill meditate later.
I deleted my facebook.
I feel free but i miss expressing myself a little on there.
Guess on here its a little safer.
At least i dont have to run into you at the store and remember you probably judge me.

An old friend

It mustve been your darkest hour.
The night you said i love you
You also told me you hated me.
You cried, wonder if you remember that
Wonder how you feel after that.
I was on your lap, surrounding you with the same emotions.
Wanting to rip your head off yet there i was rubbing your back telling you everything is okay.
Its okay i wont rip it off, i like it right where it is

Your darkest hour, I was there for you.
I fought myself
Not wanting to be
i no longer wanted to be your punching bag, but here we are
I am your tissue.
Whether you realize it or not, thats what ive become

Do you remember that long night?
I was there.
For you.
Now where have you disappeared to?

I look down at my phone
Surprise surprise its you.
Asking me what im up to today.
After a night like that
I want to run
Too much confusion
I think but dont reply
Im busy getting you out of my life.
I asked you to be my boyfriend.
You said you were bad for me.
Ill take your word on that.
Then part of me says
Oh hunny im bad for you too.
Cuz I’ll give you everything you need.
Everything you want
Thats who i would be
You would rot away with my heart
Never realizing it was there
You would die alone
with me by your side
Thats why we are bad

I need someone who will promise me to always do their best for themselves for me while i did that same and together we would grow

I like to tell myself
Its not the best time
for me to share my life
Get involved in anyone
when im just finding myself
Becoming me
But i would like someone growingwith me
I would like to grow a tree with you
But then again
Fuck off

I wanna tell you to fuck off
But ill tell you what im doing tonight and see where you end up.
It wont be in my heart, i can promise you that.
I gonna leave that part of me on the side of the road.
Whether you take it and keep it and learn from it is up to you.
But it will no longer apart of me
Soon
In my life
You will no longer be

And thats what i need.
You said i dont need anyone but myself.
i think you needed me
I bet you already know that,
and thats why you always push me away.

Ah yes the darkest hour is now coming back to me.
You said this before.
Keep pushing cuz my love has walked away, ran out the door.

Fool another lover and you will come back to me. Learn from your mistake and you will find love. Leave me be.
Thank you.
ILovehateyou
My dear friend

You& hope

I lit a candle and everything changed,

I began to see my shadows form on the walls. I fell into my mind.

 

 

Barely breathing,

I ripped the pages from my diary
And built myself a fire
Watching the amber waves form,
The warmth of my kinder tragedy’s, Free me, Free her

my memories are fading

Throw them away
Burn them to the ground.
Give me space

Give me time for my own history, and I will keep what I must

Shedding the weight of years
People I shouldnt have known
That old song it reminded me of you

It was a blue shirt and boots,

I could see his face but he was never really there

I was cold, always waiting and night too long

Im burning the tickets, my heart no longer needs that show.

I hear my soulcrowd shout,

keep me warm! keep me warm!

I never liked those sunday afternoons, but they burn sweetly

 

The past will fuel the fire until it eats itself alive,

leaving only pieces and prints left of what used to be.
I will always be me, this is why I am unafraid
This is my home, I reside in my mind

 

 

I used to have a diary,
I burnt it to the ground, filling up my holes
Letting the world save me
Oh Yankee, what a pretty flame

The only diagnosis is hope and you