Baskets

Dont worry your silly basket case brain.
Not one bitter heart is the same as another. The past shows you nothing is impossible to overcome.
The future is where you are, now..
Now… Now.
So keep with it.
Steady the hardship sailing.
Your scars are deep, and your heart is grand, dont leave your loneliness in someone elses hand.
You have two for a reason.
Hold yourself together.
There are moments that feel like a re-run, a bit of de javu, an inkling that you have been here before.
Grab your other hand and hold yourself together, its life repeating making sure youve still got what you overcame.
Its never the same, not one bitter heart.
Dont let that scare you.
There are millions, and at times you are the cherry on top.
But never for long.
Forget the what abouts and grab here i go.
Let yourself run free
Because all you have is the future, which is now.. And now and now.

Welcome to the future.
Youve been here all along,
so may you happily and cherishly carry on.
Happily? Yes.
Dont leave your happiness with a bitter heart, not one is ever the same.
If you stay on course you will never carry a new lesson from the past.
Strengthen the soul, charge thru the repeats; courage keeper.
Break the hand you once held and keep to your own, steal that light back, dont lose focus, keep on track.
You can keep the happy times in a lock box inside your safe, just for good measure; not every accident is worth the risk of pulling over for a look, but there is always something to witness.
See yourself,
Recall your purpose in that short-changed romance.
Attitude-reality check.
Sub to Con.
You were you in times,
Those were great.
Keep it and keep going
Scattered thoughts and moments of silence, serenity and numbness.
A spiral to a tornado to a piece of paper on your face. Dont smoke that with him, you knew that already.
But some history happens for future to fall into place.
Keep reminiscing, the exhaustion of two people and two years bulging from your skull.
Deer in headlights while in some scenes of recall.
Keep going keep going.
Let the seconds slip by till you see the light.
You are gifted, dont you remember?
You can still see the moon from hell, cant you?
If you dont…
Happy Halloween..
History will repeat, the ghosts of your past in a new costume..
What princess were you again as a child?
Belle?
Ahh Beauty and the Beast, how fitting. Now fix your crown your majesty, the queen of sun and rain.
Trick? or Treat?

Treat.
Prove to yourself that youve got it again this time around.
Prevail.
Hold yourself together.
You will live for so much more if you let go of the fact that you cant have that time back and just let that head roll.
Allow this awareness of yourself push you and carry that damn lesson like an award, even if the pain still sticks in your side like a shard of metal, a bloody thorn.
He never gave you one single rose, please dont let this bittersweet nothing, hurt you anymore.
A bunch of good for nothing copy n paste.

Sugar me sweet and dearly.
Do you; dolo in your dreams though carrying and being held by your world.
Like the cowardly lion who forgot he always had it in him to conquer and be courageous, until a bit of magic reminded him he was alive..
You have to remember who you are and build a bridge over that hole in your heart.
Give it a moat, an alligator or two.
He will still try to down bunker in it,
So then grab yourself a torch and toss a grenade as you wave goodbye, these small flames of regret will ignite the power inside.
Nothing quite like walking away from an explosion unharmed..
Walking back into your castle, carrying your new basket full of grace.

Mummies a lion
RAWR!!

Holding hand

I woke up the other morning thinking about oatmeal and peanut butter.
I dont like oatmeal
But i love peanut butter.

Do you know why we have two hands?
.. Maybe so there is always one to hold the other.
No one else maybe necessary; when youre all alone

And with love there must be hate.
I dreamt of dreamy things,
People i know, places ive been.
But it was more mystical than reality.
Subconsciousness and its imaginary system.
The way our bodies move and twist and
Turn and become
The way they remember and forget
And remember to forget without remembering to forget

I worked 11 hours today.
I want a dog like you wouldnt believe.
A companion for myself and for my son.
I will be a compassionate owner of a beautiful animal, one day.

Maybe thats when i will eat my oatmeal with peanut butter.
When things that dont make sense fall into place.
And with hard work comes grace
And love and hate.

I dream alot, and i push myself.
I question alot, and i push myself.
I try not to remember too much at a time, it helps keep the sorrows away.
We all have those, they come intricately with time.
Imagine selling time on a bookshelf,
Take a hundred years of this stuff and you’ll end up dead.
Check the date, could expire sooner depending on the era
Boom
Mind=blown.

If i stripped myself from the outside in,
And could see all the dimensions of energy,
Could i read my memories and scars in color?

Do you know why we have two hands?
I dont either.
Could be to hold others, but in the mean time, no matter what kind of freak you are, carry yourself through the show.

The place that i call, me.

Video

When you wanna rip out your bones and punch rainbows. When you wish the air would escape your lungs, why are there two, just take it all. When the ceilings couldnt fall hard enough. The sky came crumbling down and the clouds never really existed. The buried is alive and the flowers arent breathing. The moon is crying and the suns cackle is overwhelming. When the oceans are caving and the ground is above your head. The people never were and the end was only just a dream, just like the beginning. That here and now, one second of forever. You must be on fire, you can feel it from your eyes to your fingertips. The exhaustion youre sunk in, the bliss of nothing and everything. Thats the moment you land on that pretty star. When all emotions have lost feeling and everything that was and wasnt, is; and isnt. I wonder why it still shines so bright. No windows, no cracked doors, no opening for light. Thats a star of wonder, will you land or have you been there before. Make a map and tell me what you see, all the substance you can absorb. Avoid the consistency of the constellations and die among the whole sky. But let her be my treasure, promise to leave her to me. Let me live on that pretty little star.
That place that i call, me.

I’ll take Saturday to go with a side of dreams please

Emotionally exhausted once again.
Trying to sort my emotional reactions towards life.
Emotions are expressions of feelings.
I dont know how i feel right now
So therefore i dont how to express myself.
Even to myself.
Im tired.
I want to steal some time to dream
I need to shower.
Got a new position at work.
Training today and tomorrow.
I wasnt ready to give up my saturday to work, but my ambition got the best of me.
My house is a mess.
I want to clean it but instead i keep tripping over things.
Sitting for a moment seems like the better option for me right now.
Being a mom,
Sitting is such a relief.
My son doesnt wanna listen to directions from me anymore.
Im trying to be patient with him, as i always am.
But i slammed his butt down on the seat today when he refused to sit for one minute in the dressing room.
He cried and cried.
I felt so terrible losing my patience,
I wanted to cry with him.
I know its exciting to be in a store.
We went to three stores.
It became a free for all by the last one.
The one with the dressing room.
Some days i wake up and wonder who i am.
Wonder about all the real people im missing.
I shouldnt worry about that.
I have myself and my son.
My work. My school. My family and close friends.
But feeling alone, is hard to avoid.
I know i dont need anyone,
But being my own everything gets tiring.
My mother has always had a hard time being my mother.
She texted me some spiel about how much she loves me and all her kids and grandkids.
She doesnt realize ive unfortunately seen threw her since i was a child.
I wish she would try harder when she wears that mother mask.
I know she loves me.
Thats all i need to know.
I dont have a dad.
Hes somewhere maybe shooting up.
I have siblings but they have their lives and no one cares to know the real me.
I have an aunt who worries about my every move.
It annoys me but i love her.
She doesnt know me either.
Always assumes, but i know shes trying.
I have an uncle.
Hes weird.
I know he loves me but hes obsessive and the world owes him everything.
I had a grampy.
He knew me, i knew him.
I had a nana.
She knew me, i knew her.
Sometimes we didnt even need words.
We always understood eachother.
I have a best friend.
Her name is megan.
I love her but ive always been her science project.
She likes to figure me out. But she assumes alot.
Makes it hard to express myself with her freely cuz she thinks she already knows.

I think i need someone i used to have.
Like my grampy, like my nana.
The kind of relationship where we both know eachother and a great amount of understanding between us.
For anything, where no words are needed.
Just air to breathe and eyes to see.
I have someone like that.
But after everything weve been threw,
After how much ive changed to who i am today, its hard to fully be myself around him.
I guess i always fall back to my old ways, the one with insecurity. Thinking he doesnt want me when he leaves.
I need to knock it off and let us grow together.
A real friendship.
A real relationship with someone.

Ive always had to let people go.
Never wanting to get attached because sooner or later someone had to leave.
Normally it was me. Moving. Changing schools.
When im at his house, it comes to a point in the night that i feel like i have to leave.
Natural reaction to want to avoid disaster?
Wouldnt want to burn something so beautiful.

I offered to do two trainings this weekend, i want to learn. I like to stay busy.
The aries in me.
An emotional fire fueled fucktard.
What it dew. (;
Im loopy.
Feeling a little droopy.
But my shower will cure it.
I will clean my house later tonight.
This is me, this is my life fight.
Ill meditate later.
I deleted my facebook.
I feel free but i miss expressing myself a little on there.
Guess on here its a little safer.
At least i dont have to run into you at the store and remember you probably judge me.

Just some thoughts

Covered in fur.
I dont wanna be here.
My new bathing suit is at home.
Wants me to try her on and play around the house.
Waiting for summer
I found myself thinking about camping this summer, with my son and all the memories i cant wait to have.
I never think about being in a bathing suit.
Never my thing,
Showing my body.
Feels nice to be in shape.
Easter my sisters were talking about my thighs and how fit they are.
Walk off and said oh yea check out my butt hahah.
My aunt asked me how im getting so toned so fast.
I work out every chance i get.
Yoga, stretching.
Maybe im becoming too obsessed.
But these are the first times ive been comfortable with my body and enjoying how i feel.
Im glad people are no longer hating on how much weight ive lost.
Because im enjoying it too.
Weird?
Trying to quit smoking.
Have the patch on
But i just smoked my “last cigarette”
Moving slowly as me,
On a journey to where i want to be.
My son knows my real name.
And hes the only one who can call me by it.
Mummy.
Engulfing myself into my life.
Takes my breathe away

You& hope

I lit a candle and everything changed,

I began to see my shadows form on the walls. I fell into my mind.

 

 

Barely breathing,

I ripped the pages from my diary
And built myself a fire
Watching the amber waves form,
The warmth of my kinder tragedy’s, Free me, Free her

my memories are fading

Throw them away
Burn them to the ground.
Give me space

Give me time for my own history, and I will keep what I must

Shedding the weight of years
People I shouldnt have known
That old song it reminded me of you

It was a blue shirt and boots,

I could see his face but he was never really there

I was cold, always waiting and night too long

Im burning the tickets, my heart no longer needs that show.

I hear my soulcrowd shout,

keep me warm! keep me warm!

I never liked those sunday afternoons, but they burn sweetly

 

The past will fuel the fire until it eats itself alive,

leaving only pieces and prints left of what used to be.
I will always be me, this is why I am unafraid
This is my home, I reside in my mind

 

 

I used to have a diary,
I burnt it to the ground, filling up my holes
Letting the world save me
Oh Yankee, what a pretty flame

The only diagnosis is hope and you

What in the world? Shish ka bob

Getting home and whispering to my new fish.
Like we’ve been best friends for years.
((Heyy maarvin))
((Ive had such an eventful day))
((Miss you too bud))

Im sitting on my toilet dancing to King Harvest “dancing in the moonlight”
Very content with moments like these.
We need millions.
Its such a disaster out there, nothing better than the warmth of my very own toilet seat, in my very own bathroom, with my not so very own music, but very own in my soul… Laughing breathing…
to really make you feel okay and at home
Haha. Oyeyoyeyoye.

Slow dance to imagine- john lennon.
I feel you brother.

I watched ted tonight.
I silent laughed for most of it, still funny but not enough to catch me off guard.
My boyfriend was in the movie.
I love him, but funny thing is i dont care to remember his name.
Most celebrities names.
Weird? Admiration but no dedication?
Call me normal, they’ll think your crazy.
When he dances in the living room, i wouldve sworn the tv was a mirror for a moment.

I ate pot brownies. 😀
Made them in celebration of my remembering that years come to quickly and moments seem to last for ever until you realize there miles away. Live for the moment they say.
Love is forever.
If you feel the way i do,
((Some days i wake up an realize i am nothing like the way i used to e. that girl last month, that mindset 7 years ago. What did i eat for breakfast? What did she eat last week?))
So much attention to the little things that us humans experience, but no need to worry or wonder. Let the little moments pass you by, leave them withthis morning. That makes everything a surprise))
(I spelt surprise wrong))
And i then my phone fixed it.))

You cant live for the moment if we worry so much about everything else.
Live. Just live. Dont worry so much about every momeny. Let it happen.

And love may not be for-ever.
If i feel as though i change so much and dont even realize until these tiny pivital moments of consciousness come along and i catch a breathe, and continue on in my new mindset.
How do i expect love to last forever if i today, this brittany, doesnt always last forever. This journey changes us, take a breathe and evaluate. Then cherish then continue. Let it happen, even though it will hurt. It will hurt when and if you make it to 80 and we only have access to whats left of our crappy memory and mind, will you then sit and think about it all and go through the pain then. Let it happen. Allow yourself to live for yourself and enjoy the seconds, the dimes, the dollars and the joy of your own inner being.
Might sound selfcentered
But once you love and live for yourself, your energy will find all the ones and moments you can give that love and compassion to.
Mightve lost myself there but im too tired to check.

I put marvin next to the colorful christmas lights in my room.
Arent they nocturnal ?
Disco marvin
Disco mania

Ba na na

Hippie? Dont categorize me

Why do we refuse to adapt to the earth.
As humans we think this is our planet instead of seeing the earth as a home,
We see it as ourselves and we refuse to make it work. We destroy and we change and we barely reuse. We keep creating more and more of us instead of fixing the problems around us.
I know its a little psychotic but i think we should stop bearing children for at least 5-10 years.
Lets pause our life cycles and fix this world we live on.
If we dont adapt, our world will destroy us.
We can see that in the last 10 years with the extreme weather conditions, hurricanes, volcanos, snowstorm, heat, drought, earthquakes.
All these signs that we see as “needing to keep ourselves safer, more prepared”.
Yet we dont see the problem.
We are the problem. Send out more satellites i missed the news last night and my gps took me the wrong way.
Awful ways we have succumb to,
Instead of seeking the answers outside.
Lets change our world?
No.
Lets change ourselves and adapt to the nature of this magical place.

No box needed

I dont think i actually have a box.
That is my mindset.
Subconsciously.
In the moment of consciousness.
I dont need a box.
I dont know how to think in one.
The times that i find myself trying to use one, its because someone has asked me to sit in there.
Like a timeout.
Stay. Think. Realize. Decide.
The act of common sense.
Inside a box.
What is so common when no one is the same.
Alot of “mistakes” that people say
“Oh that person shouldve used some common sense”
Well maybe there on their own way to finding it.
Their own individually scheduled awakening to all things human.
Place them in the box and they might find four walls.
Shred the box to pieces and they may discover the world inside themselves.
I wonder why comcast doesnt run free movies in the top right corner.
So much advertisement when no one is listening.
Throw on a movie and commercial with what else is on there and people will be less annoyed.
Maybs.
Chillen outside, no box needed.
I can see myself wearing a cardboard sign, like the ones you see lost souls holding.
“Think for yourself, breathe for yourself, throw the boxes away”
Lets rename the earth love.
Rename it orange.
Who named it earth anyways?
What does earth stand for?
E
A
R
T
H

What do you stand for?
Yourself? Your life? Your job? Your child? Your mistakes? Your compassion?
Your box?
Fuck the box.
Put it in recycling and live outside the four walls.

Chocolate milk sitting heavy in my belly.
My birthday’s on saturday.
Wonder if i should celebrate?
Or call it another day.
Not that i dont appreciate my life,
I just think skipping my own holiday may be a rebels delight.
It shall be nice. It shall be nice.