Holding hand

I woke up the other morning thinking about oatmeal and peanut butter.
I dont like oatmeal
But i love peanut butter.

Do you know why we have two hands?
.. Maybe so there is always one to hold the other.
No one else maybe necessary; when youre all alone

And with love there must be hate.
I dreamt of dreamy things,
People i know, places ive been.
But it was more mystical than reality.
Subconsciousness and its imaginary system.
The way our bodies move and twist and
Turn and become
The way they remember and forget
And remember to forget without remembering to forget

I worked 11 hours today.
I want a dog like you wouldnt believe.
A companion for myself and for my son.
I will be a compassionate owner of a beautiful animal, one day.

Maybe thats when i will eat my oatmeal with peanut butter.
When things that dont make sense fall into place.
And with hard work comes grace
And love and hate.

I dream alot, and i push myself.
I question alot, and i push myself.
I try not to remember too much at a time, it helps keep the sorrows away.
We all have those, they come intricately with time.
Imagine selling time on a bookshelf,
Take a hundred years of this stuff and you’ll end up dead.
Check the date, could expire sooner depending on the era

If i stripped myself from the outside in,
And could see all the dimensions of energy,
Could i read my memories and scars in color?

Do you know why we have two hands?
I dont either.
Could be to hold others, but in the mean time, no matter what kind of freak you are, carry yourself through the show.

You& hope

I lit a candle and everything changed,

I began to see my shadows form on the walls. I fell into my mind.



Barely breathing,

I ripped the pages from my diary
And built myself a fire
Watching the amber waves form,
The warmth of my kinder tragedy’s, Free me, Free her

my memories are fading

Throw them away
Burn them to the ground.
Give me space

Give me time for my own history, and I will keep what I must

Shedding the weight of years
People I shouldnt have known
That old song it reminded me of you

It was a blue shirt and boots,

I could see his face but he was never really there

I was cold, always waiting and night too long

Im burning the tickets, my heart no longer needs that show.

I hear my soulcrowd shout,

keep me warm! keep me warm!

I never liked those sunday afternoons, but they burn sweetly


The past will fuel the fire until it eats itself alive,

leaving only pieces and prints left of what used to be.
I will always be me, this is why I am unafraid
This is my home, I reside in my mind



I used to have a diary,
I burnt it to the ground, filling up my holes
Letting the world save me
Oh Yankee, what a pretty flame

The only diagnosis is hope and you

What in the world? Shish ka bob

Getting home and whispering to my new fish.
Like we’ve been best friends for years.
((Heyy maarvin))
((Ive had such an eventful day))
((Miss you too bud))

Im sitting on my toilet dancing to King Harvest “dancing in the moonlight”
Very content with moments like these.
We need millions.
Its such a disaster out there, nothing better than the warmth of my very own toilet seat, in my very own bathroom, with my not so very own music, but very own in my soul… Laughing breathing…
to really make you feel okay and at home
Haha. Oyeyoyeyoye.

Slow dance to imagine- john lennon.
I feel you brother.

I watched ted tonight.
I silent laughed for most of it, still funny but not enough to catch me off guard.
My boyfriend was in the movie.
I love him, but funny thing is i dont care to remember his name.
Most celebrities names.
Weird? Admiration but no dedication?
Call me normal, they’ll think your crazy.
When he dances in the living room, i wouldve sworn the tv was a mirror for a moment.

I ate pot brownies. 😀
Made them in celebration of my remembering that years come to quickly and moments seem to last for ever until you realize there miles away. Live for the moment they say.
Love is forever.
If you feel the way i do,
((Some days i wake up an realize i am nothing like the way i used to e. that girl last month, that mindset 7 years ago. What did i eat for breakfast? What did she eat last week?))
So much attention to the little things that us humans experience, but no need to worry or wonder. Let the little moments pass you by, leave them withthis morning. That makes everything a surprise))
(I spelt surprise wrong))
And i then my phone fixed it.))

You cant live for the moment if we worry so much about everything else.
Live. Just live. Dont worry so much about every momeny. Let it happen.

And love may not be for-ever.
If i feel as though i change so much and dont even realize until these tiny pivital moments of consciousness come along and i catch a breathe, and continue on in my new mindset.
How do i expect love to last forever if i today, this brittany, doesnt always last forever. This journey changes us, take a breathe and evaluate. Then cherish then continue. Let it happen, even though it will hurt. It will hurt when and if you make it to 80 and we only have access to whats left of our crappy memory and mind, will you then sit and think about it all and go through the pain then. Let it happen. Allow yourself to live for yourself and enjoy the seconds, the dimes, the dollars and the joy of your own inner being.
Might sound selfcentered
But once you love and live for yourself, your energy will find all the ones and moments you can give that love and compassion to.
Mightve lost myself there but im too tired to check.

I put marvin next to the colorful christmas lights in my room.
Arent they nocturnal ?
Disco marvin
Disco mania

Ba na na

Hippie? Dont categorize me

Why do we refuse to adapt to the earth.
As humans we think this is our planet instead of seeing the earth as a home,
We see it as ourselves and we refuse to make it work. We destroy and we change and we barely reuse. We keep creating more and more of us instead of fixing the problems around us.
I know its a little psychotic but i think we should stop bearing children for at least 5-10 years.
Lets pause our life cycles and fix this world we live on.
If we dont adapt, our world will destroy us.
We can see that in the last 10 years with the extreme weather conditions, hurricanes, volcanos, snowstorm, heat, drought, earthquakes.
All these signs that we see as “needing to keep ourselves safer, more prepared”.
Yet we dont see the problem.
We are the problem. Send out more satellites i missed the news last night and my gps took me the wrong way.
Awful ways we have succumb to,
Instead of seeking the answers outside.
Lets change our world?
Lets change ourselves and adapt to the nature of this magical place.

No box needed

I dont think i actually have a box.
That is my mindset.
In the moment of consciousness.
I dont need a box.
I dont know how to think in one.
The times that i find myself trying to use one, its because someone has asked me to sit in there.
Like a timeout.
Stay. Think. Realize. Decide.
The act of common sense.
Inside a box.
What is so common when no one is the same.
Alot of “mistakes” that people say
“Oh that person shouldve used some common sense”
Well maybe there on their own way to finding it.
Their own individually scheduled awakening to all things human.
Place them in the box and they might find four walls.
Shred the box to pieces and they may discover the world inside themselves.
I wonder why comcast doesnt run free movies in the top right corner.
So much advertisement when no one is listening.
Throw on a movie and commercial with what else is on there and people will be less annoyed.
Chillen outside, no box needed.
I can see myself wearing a cardboard sign, like the ones you see lost souls holding.
“Think for yourself, breathe for yourself, throw the boxes away”
Lets rename the earth love.
Rename it orange.
Who named it earth anyways?
What does earth stand for?

What do you stand for?
Yourself? Your life? Your job? Your child? Your mistakes? Your compassion?
Your box?
Fuck the box.
Put it in recycling and live outside the four walls.

Chocolate milk sitting heavy in my belly.
My birthday’s on saturday.
Wonder if i should celebrate?
Or call it another day.
Not that i dont appreciate my life,
I just think skipping my own holiday may be a rebels delight.
It shall be nice. It shall be nice.


My day ends when i take my bra off.
Physically as well as emotionally.
Its almost like a form of meditation.
I lose the days worries while im unhooking my strap.
(Makes me sound like a hoe selling tricks)
We carry so much emotion in our thoughts, where we create feelings which release chemicals into our bodies which effect our muscles.
Our muscles remember.
My body knows.
The day is done.
2 minutes prior i felt my heart racing a little as i was thinking of tomorrow and everything i have to accomplish.
2 minutes later and bra-less
I began to breathe.

Im writing because thats what i do.
Im writing because i learned a lot today and i would like to carry it with me outside of my head as well as in it and in my body.

They are all one.
They are the stars.
The dust of stars, how magical they are.
They walk on two feet
And their hearts beat.
They breathe in their surroundings,
It keeps them alive.
They can see the light and they can see the night.
They can touch with many things,
Though they only like to believe what they can see and feel.
They can touch others with their minds, theirs hearts, their eyes, their souls, their energy.
They emit liquid from their eyes in moments of disaster and happiness.
And they can recall these moments and often emit again.
Creatures of habit, living only through what they know.
They can build but they often break.
They can swim but many sink.
They can dream but they lack hope

They feel their bodies are just too small to ever create more than what they think they know

I feel bad for these beautiful creatures,
Burning what isnt theirs.
Never fully living up to their full potential.
Maybe if they didnt think about all the others, they could channel their own magic.
And realize they are not from this earth,
They are spirits of one.

Star dust, thats what we are.
The unmeasurable power of stars,
Clashing together and sprinkling it on earth, such a tale to believe, but so true if we could only try to see; anything than what is right in front of us, behind us. To look within us.
Let us climb into our minds of wonder and be more than all we see.
Feel the force inside of you and be all you can be. Beyond your memories, beyond your pain, beyond any sufferings of yesterday.
Separate yourself if only for a moment,
And just sit inside.

In this moment of years..
I cant be anyone but me, i cant make things happen just because i want them to.
But i can be all i can be, because in everyday, in all of our lives,
We can be more than the average human, we can control out thoughts while life lets us live, and we can be happy, we can choose to feel what we want.
We can be all we can be.

Why not?

Mad scientist-unity

Maybe if the brain knew of its existence.. Maybe only then would all parts work together.
Maybe if it knew that it was a brain, and its job was to work with the body.. Maybe only then would all parts work together.
Maybe if they knew they knew they had soul, a spirit alive within them, a source we all have..
maybe they would realize they have a purpose, integrity, a reason for existence other than to exist.
Maybe if we knew how to tap into ourselves, other than our emotions, maybe we could find cures, other than experational remedies.
Nothing truly ends, everything will always exist.
We take new form, we see it everyday.
A seed becomes a flower becomes soil. Helping give life to another seed to become a flower.
Never ending existence, only with change are we all here.

Lets change the world and begin with ourselves. Can we tap into our bodies and awake all that lies within?
I asked my teacher the other night in pathology class, opening with ” this might sound a little hippie-ish” if we had thrombosis, and were heading towards a heart attack, blood pumping clots clotting, heart racing.. If we had the ability to tap into our circulatory system, being that we are “one with our minds and body”, could i potentially be able to redirect that clot and somehow dislodge and change the course of nature within myself? become a superhuman. Being able to control our entire bodies, could i stop that heart attack from happening?
Her answer was, in theory, Yes.
If only i was a mad scientist many years ago, i would spend years studying this theory of mind and body unity.
Or rather brain and body unity.
But im a mother employee student, daughter cousin sister aunt lover ex friend, in 2013 with a never ending imagination and curiosity to why we still live the way we do, with under developed abilities.
A human, a soul, a spirit, a conscience, a memory, a heart, two feet, two hands and one never ending mystery.
Wander in your wonders..

That happy thing?

My teacher thought i was drunk or high in class tonight?
Some people forget you dont really need a reason to be happy.
when you are fully consumed in the moment it almost feels like the sun is shining.
Find time to center yourself in the present, let go of tomorrows worries and yesterdays mistakes, live in the now, its brighter here. Leave your trail of sunshine, even if the world doesnt understand.
If only she knew the blues i sometimes go through.
If she only knew it was okay to let go.
Ill stop myself here tho because i dont need to change anyone, they can change themselves an i will learn to look they other way when Im frowned upon in moments i am fully me.
Sticks n stones crazy deb.
The moment you get on meds is the moment ill stopp being such a bitch to you, cuz maybe then you will learn how to finish a damn sentence, find a train of thought, say what you mean and truly teach me what i need to know before im so lost in your words i dont even want to bother with the class. And maybe then you wont be so confused when you see me laugh, cuz you’ll see me being me. Just like everyone else being everyone else. You dont know who we are because you dont know yourself.
Take the times to see your faults and outline the greatness. Something you cant change but you can focus on the better things. Like your hair color.
I like your hair color. I look at it alot when im trying to find your point in the mess of all the words and simple unnecessary repetition.
Dark auburn. I almost dont notice your bigish nose.
Your eye shadows nice too.
Purple and tan pops the hazel, makes your eyes look less slanted.
Your funky necklaces are great. Takes focus off your low big boobs.
These are outlines, making some okay things better in a way. Find an outline to your world, filter yourself and figure it out. I cant learn from someone who doesnt know how to talk but thinks she knows everything im thinking but also believes im always confused.
Blah blah blah shish coom bah.
For real.

My shadow and me

She dances with her shadow
Watching the way she moves
Standing in the doorway.
Lights behind them
Winding rolling streching
She waves back in moments of consciousness.
She loses herself in the dance
This blank but full image of her.
This side of herself
she adores.
So much
Almost jealousy
Her shadow tells a better story
I bet if the world met her other half
They might comprehend a part of her soul
Something she often hides
they only see the exterior
what she is told is her “reflection”.
The young woman turns to the mirror
The lying glass

this is just the body that encases the soul,

She is her shadow
Her shadow has no age
Her shadow reflects her
She believes this always.
Puddles too sometimes, though they usually just help her reflect on her life.
Her shadow shows her spirit.

She twists to the floor and slowly spins up. Arms out wide, ballerina toes.
The music is hard to hear when she is playing with her shadow.
And thats her favorite part.

The music usually makes her move,
But as soon as it starts playing,
Her shadow is in control
Her muscles dont move on their own, they are in sync with her heart and her spirit pulling the strings.
Such a peaceful place.
Equal friends.

In the darkness of the night.
Her shadow doesnt have freckles,
Her little imperfections.
Her crooked chin doesnt show,
Her cracked tooth? No.
Her shadow blurs around the ends.
Where are all the scars?
Her shadow doesnt need those.
Those have healed, she keeps those memories somewhere buried inside the color black,
Somewhere she can only choose to go.
I admire my shadow.
My true reflection.
The way she moves is so raw,
Changing in every moment,
Like all of us do,
Oh but the way she moves.
A flame flickering
A rhythm with no control,
Dance shadow, dance.
My shadow is my soul
My mirror, my home.