I wont sleep naked
Not by myself
The comfort of clothes
I feel less alone

Ive slept naked before
Body to body
I was not alone
But felt empty in that moment
I did not belong

I acted as though i should be there
But it wasnt for me
That heart beating with mine
He was my reason
Sweet sweat
Deep kiss
Fueling my old soul

His ticks are a treasure
They cross my mind when i wish to be seen as me
Gentle touch
Skin on skin

Tonight im clothed
Who will be the one to undress me
Who will i be then
I hope im ready
If hes worth it
Im sure to see myself in full skin
My way till then

This shirt
So tight
This bed has room for one more
These pants
Im tied up
If i throw my clothes to the floor
Will he appear

Body to body
I will not be alone

I long to be

My other half

Where did my sunday escape go.
The night i held you so close.
You and me and memories
The smell of your skin, sweet spins around in my bed.
It was like yesterday.
Two years have passed.
It was like yesterday.
These arms kept me safe
This man was mine.
2007 so far back, that was our time
The beginning went so fast.
You and me yesterday, we layed in bed
We kissed like had years of rehearsal,
For this play we are in.
But this is no act, i can feel it all over me
You my dear, i fear i will love you for eternity.
Slow notions, steady heartbeats,
You twitch ever so lovely
From your head to your feet.
Something ive missed,
Like the ticking of a clock
I miss the ticks
The twitching of your body so close to mine.
I watch your lips move as im taken away into your world.
I could listen to you forever, though sometimes i dont hear the words.
I watch as you move, you make me quiver.
I denied you but it wasnt because i didnt want it all,
Lets go back into time,
Be my everyday escape,
You belong with me,
Tomorrow and the next.
Ive missed you, my other half

Fucking great

I did it.
I fucking did it.
I stopped it.
I fucking stopped it.
I turned it off.
I fucking turned it off.
It was somewhere inside of me.
But its gone and lost.
I lost it.
He wants it.
I dont.
I wanted it.
Now i dont.
I did it.
I fucking did it.
I turned it the fuck off.
He wants it
But cant have it.
Fuck you
Not really.
Wow this feels amazing.
I dont even care
I dont fucking care.
I still like kissing you
But thats it
Oh joy, how badly ive wanted this.
Needed this.
Desired this more than i desired you.
Devore me.
You can go home.
I still like our friendship.
And thats it.
Thats fucking it.
This is fucking great.
Yea we used to.
Not anymore.
Thats some old juice.
Shits gone sour.
Doesnt smell.
Just wouldnt drink it.
Dump it down the sink and say
I fucking did it.
I lost it.
I fucking lost it
And i dont want it back.
Suck on that.
Suck youre dick?
Yea i used to,
But thats some old shit,
I been and had that.
Thats an old beat,
I used to sing to that shit.
Had it on repeat.
But i turnt it down,
What a clown.
Wheres your game?
You had no game.
I played it all alone.
You just participated.
But i fucking did it.
I dropped it,
I lost it.
Im out.
You thought you won
Or were winning.
But i did it,
And im over it.
Save your shit for someone else
Damn i just lost track.
This is great.
Fucking great

I’ll take Saturday to go with a side of dreams please

Emotionally exhausted once again.
Trying to sort my emotional reactions towards life.
Emotions are expressions of feelings.
I dont know how i feel right now
So therefore i dont how to express myself.
Even to myself.
Im tired.
I want to steal some time to dream
I need to shower.
Got a new position at work.
Training today and tomorrow.
I wasnt ready to give up my saturday to work, but my ambition got the best of me.
My house is a mess.
I want to clean it but instead i keep tripping over things.
Sitting for a moment seems like the better option for me right now.
Being a mom,
Sitting is such a relief.
My son doesnt wanna listen to directions from me anymore.
Im trying to be patient with him, as i always am.
But i slammed his butt down on the seat today when he refused to sit for one minute in the dressing room.
He cried and cried.
I felt so terrible losing my patience,
I wanted to cry with him.
I know its exciting to be in a store.
We went to three stores.
It became a free for all by the last one.
The one with the dressing room.
Some days i wake up and wonder who i am.
Wonder about all the real people im missing.
I shouldnt worry about that.
I have myself and my son.
My work. My school. My family and close friends.
But feeling alone, is hard to avoid.
I know i dont need anyone,
But being my own everything gets tiring.
My mother has always had a hard time being my mother.
She texted me some spiel about how much she loves me and all her kids and grandkids.
She doesnt realize ive unfortunately seen threw her since i was a child.
I wish she would try harder when she wears that mother mask.
I know she loves me.
Thats all i need to know.
I dont have a dad.
Hes somewhere maybe shooting up.
I have siblings but they have their lives and no one cares to know the real me.
I have an aunt who worries about my every move.
It annoys me but i love her.
She doesnt know me either.
Always assumes, but i know shes trying.
I have an uncle.
Hes weird.
I know he loves me but hes obsessive and the world owes him everything.
I had a grampy.
He knew me, i knew him.
I had a nana.
She knew me, i knew her.
Sometimes we didnt even need words.
We always understood eachother.
I have a best friend.
Her name is megan.
I love her but ive always been her science project.
She likes to figure me out. But she assumes alot.
Makes it hard to express myself with her freely cuz she thinks she already knows.

I think i need someone i used to have.
Like my grampy, like my nana.
The kind of relationship where we both know eachother and a great amount of understanding between us.
For anything, where no words are needed.
Just air to breathe and eyes to see.
I have someone like that.
But after everything weve been threw,
After how much ive changed to who i am today, its hard to fully be myself around him.
I guess i always fall back to my old ways, the one with insecurity. Thinking he doesnt want me when he leaves.
I need to knock it off and let us grow together.
A real friendship.
A real relationship with someone.

Ive always had to let people go.
Never wanting to get attached because sooner or later someone had to leave.
Normally it was me. Moving. Changing schools.
When im at his house, it comes to a point in the night that i feel like i have to leave.
Natural reaction to want to avoid disaster?
Wouldnt want to burn something so beautiful.

I offered to do two trainings this weekend, i want to learn. I like to stay busy.
The aries in me.
An emotional fire fueled fucktard.
What it dew. (;
Im loopy.
Feeling a little droopy.
But my shower will cure it.
I will clean my house later tonight.
This is me, this is my life fight.
Ill meditate later.
I deleted my facebook.
I feel free but i miss expressing myself a little on there.
Guess on here its a little safer.
At least i dont have to run into you at the store and remember you probably judge me.

Just some thoughts

Covered in fur.
I dont wanna be here.
My new bathing suit is at home.
Wants me to try her on and play around the house.
Waiting for summer
I found myself thinking about camping this summer, with my son and all the memories i cant wait to have.
I never think about being in a bathing suit.
Never my thing,
Showing my body.
Feels nice to be in shape.
Easter my sisters were talking about my thighs and how fit they are.
Walk off and said oh yea check out my butt hahah.
My aunt asked me how im getting so toned so fast.
I work out every chance i get.
Yoga, stretching.
Maybe im becoming too obsessed.
But these are the first times ive been comfortable with my body and enjoying how i feel.
Im glad people are no longer hating on how much weight ive lost.
Because im enjoying it too.
Trying to quit smoking.
Have the patch on
But i just smoked my “last cigarette”
Moving slowly as me,
On a journey to where i want to be.
My son knows my real name.
And hes the only one who can call me by it.
Engulfing myself into my life.
Takes my breathe away

Faking fuck yous

Im watching the moon cross the sky tonight.
Im moving on this world
Ever turning.
Nothing is left in the same corner.

Sometimes i think we can read eachothers minds just by living in eachothers eyes
We used to fight it,
Now we cherish the moment first,
Then look away.
I hate you.
I ended up at your place.
I needed my gage.
Needed my gage.
You answered me with a yes. Come.
Fuck you.
How did you almost know i was coming.
I love the moments of
No hesitation in this relation..ship
Lets rock the boat.
Steady storming we stay a float.
Never left in the same corner,
Trapped in the revolving doors.
You tried making 4 different plans with me tonight. One place we should go and eat, my place after this dinner, one movie, and now since youre not here youre trying to come over this weeked.
What the fuck is wrong with you.
Why must you always turn my way when i try to set your memory on fire.
Fighting you, feeling you, your presence is always enough to keep me sane.
We sang tonight.
I hate you.
I dont know what love is but two years of this funnel is wearing me down.
And this time it isnt towards you. Im flowing outside. Letting go of you and me.

We can barely talk when we’re around eachother. For a long time i always thought it was just me but your language failure tonight was definitely a nervous reaction. You said sorry, its been a while. Try a week. Less than that maybe. Normally i count the days but knowing you were spending your time with someone else i am happy i cant remember.
You said you let her go.
Thats funny. And now youre up my ass?
Why is it so good when we’re together,
The kind of good that makes me wanna grow with you.
My animal, muppet.
My dear.

my lips lightly touching yours, pulling me closer. Ordering dinner. Talking to your eyes without a word spoken.
Why is my mouth on fire?
Red and green
Lesbians. What do they eat? Same second brains.
Its been a long time since ive been in here, your car.
Yeeess, it has.
You said you missed me, i said thats nice.
One the way home, i told you i missed you, you said i missed you too!
you remembered outloud, saying it first.
Either way i enjoy your company and maybe its just the goodbyes that i hate the most.
The unknown.
Will you come back? Will you stay? Can you be mine forever? Can you bury your worries and take me hold?
You knew why i hadnt had lobsters in forever,
and i know you just wanted my reaction.
Youre an asshole.
The biggest fool a man can be is when he tears down a womans walls, just to walk away-bob marley.
Friggen a.
I miss you. When i said it all romantically silly, you wanted to believe me.
Stop playing and maybe i will.
Im not crazy im just a little unwell,
I know right now,
you cant tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you will see, a different side of me. Matchbox 20.
I cant help but sing, you cant either.
My hearts still racing.
Last week you laid on my chest,
Telling me how strong my heart is.
Told you im not having sex with you.
Im sending you signs that im letting go.
Lets see how strong my heart really is.
Pocket dialog cuz we miss eachother but dont wanna admit it.
We are disgusting.

What in the world? Shish ka bob

Getting home and whispering to my new fish.
Like we’ve been best friends for years.
((Heyy maarvin))
((Ive had such an eventful day))
((Miss you too bud))

Im sitting on my toilet dancing to King Harvest “dancing in the moonlight”
Very content with moments like these.
We need millions.
Its such a disaster out there, nothing better than the warmth of my very own toilet seat, in my very own bathroom, with my not so very own music, but very own in my soul… Laughing breathing…
to really make you feel okay and at home
Haha. Oyeyoyeyoye.

Slow dance to imagine- john lennon.
I feel you brother.

I watched ted tonight.
I silent laughed for most of it, still funny but not enough to catch me off guard.
My boyfriend was in the movie.
I love him, but funny thing is i dont care to remember his name.
Most celebrities names.
Weird? Admiration but no dedication?
Call me normal, they’ll think your crazy.
When he dances in the living room, i wouldve sworn the tv was a mirror for a moment.

I ate pot brownies. 😀
Made them in celebration of my remembering that years come to quickly and moments seem to last for ever until you realize there miles away. Live for the moment they say.
Love is forever.
If you feel the way i do,
((Some days i wake up an realize i am nothing like the way i used to e. that girl last month, that mindset 7 years ago. What did i eat for breakfast? What did she eat last week?))
So much attention to the little things that us humans experience, but no need to worry or wonder. Let the little moments pass you by, leave them withthis morning. That makes everything a surprise))
(I spelt surprise wrong))
And i then my phone fixed it.))

You cant live for the moment if we worry so much about everything else.
Live. Just live. Dont worry so much about every momeny. Let it happen.

And love may not be for-ever.
If i feel as though i change so much and dont even realize until these tiny pivital moments of consciousness come along and i catch a breathe, and continue on in my new mindset.
How do i expect love to last forever if i today, this brittany, doesnt always last forever. This journey changes us, take a breathe and evaluate. Then cherish then continue. Let it happen, even though it will hurt. It will hurt when and if you make it to 80 and we only have access to whats left of our crappy memory and mind, will you then sit and think about it all and go through the pain then. Let it happen. Allow yourself to live for yourself and enjoy the seconds, the dimes, the dollars and the joy of your own inner being.
Might sound selfcentered
But once you love and live for yourself, your energy will find all the ones and moments you can give that love and compassion to.
Mightve lost myself there but im too tired to check.

I put marvin next to the colorful christmas lights in my room.
Arent they nocturnal ?
Disco marvin
Disco mania

Ba na na

Hippie? Dont categorize me

Why do we refuse to adapt to the earth.
As humans we think this is our planet instead of seeing the earth as a home,
We see it as ourselves and we refuse to make it work. We destroy and we change and we barely reuse. We keep creating more and more of us instead of fixing the problems around us.
I know its a little psychotic but i think we should stop bearing children for at least 5-10 years.
Lets pause our life cycles and fix this world we live on.
If we dont adapt, our world will destroy us.
We can see that in the last 10 years with the extreme weather conditions, hurricanes, volcanos, snowstorm, heat, drought, earthquakes.
All these signs that we see as “needing to keep ourselves safer, more prepared”.
Yet we dont see the problem.
We are the problem. Send out more satellites i missed the news last night and my gps took me the wrong way.
Awful ways we have succumb to,
Instead of seeking the answers outside.
Lets change our world?
Lets change ourselves and adapt to the nature of this magical place.

No box needed

I dont think i actually have a box.
That is my mindset.
In the moment of consciousness.
I dont need a box.
I dont know how to think in one.
The times that i find myself trying to use one, its because someone has asked me to sit in there.
Like a timeout.
Stay. Think. Realize. Decide.
The act of common sense.
Inside a box.
What is so common when no one is the same.
Alot of “mistakes” that people say
“Oh that person shouldve used some common sense”
Well maybe there on their own way to finding it.
Their own individually scheduled awakening to all things human.
Place them in the box and they might find four walls.
Shred the box to pieces and they may discover the world inside themselves.
I wonder why comcast doesnt run free movies in the top right corner.
So much advertisement when no one is listening.
Throw on a movie and commercial with what else is on there and people will be less annoyed.
Chillen outside, no box needed.
I can see myself wearing a cardboard sign, like the ones you see lost souls holding.
“Think for yourself, breathe for yourself, throw the boxes away”
Lets rename the earth love.
Rename it orange.
Who named it earth anyways?
What does earth stand for?

What do you stand for?
Yourself? Your life? Your job? Your child? Your mistakes? Your compassion?
Your box?
Fuck the box.
Put it in recycling and live outside the four walls.

Chocolate milk sitting heavy in my belly.
My birthday’s on saturday.
Wonder if i should celebrate?
Or call it another day.
Not that i dont appreciate my life,
I just think skipping my own holiday may be a rebels delight.
It shall be nice. It shall be nice.