Sacred

The only thing i can count on
The only thing that is real
My one and only everything

It was an awakening
Giving birth to him
A soul inside of a soul
Him inside of me
Reaching the outside
becoming a being of reality
A soul inside of a soul
The start of his existence
Was inside of me
I held him
I fed him
He fed from me
He kept safe inside
Surrounding him for months
Encased in my organ
He reached the surface
He grew
He grows
Hes no longer in my body
But he is encased in another organ of mine
He is my pericardium

My love for him, it grows
When he became, i never thought i could love someone so much.
But i was wrong
I love him more and more everyday
As if he still resides inside of me
He is the only love ive ever really known
I cherish this love
Its something different than that l.o.v.e
You tend to see plastered on birthday cards and valentines.
Its that feeling that hurricanes in your stomach and rains from your eyes.
Jet packing through my mind.
Pulsating from bones.
That love you see in grandparents who made it through it all.
Hallelujah
It does exist.
It came from within
It grows inside of me just as he did

I was awakened when i gave birth to him
A soul within a soul.
Not just his inside of mine
But a level of me that seemed to manifest from a wormhole in my blood.
I had become aware of many feelings i had never felt before; that was just the beginning.

I was kissing him goodnight
He said mummies going to work
His breathing changed and his smile dwindled.
I felt a bullet try to penetrate my heart repeatedly.
But with love comes love
And i explained to him why i work and that he will be with daddy in the morning.
He said mummie no sad as he opened his heart to pull me in.
He then took my hand from his face,
I was still breathing his cheek in
And he kissed it.
I lost it on the inside as i often do in moments like these. As he and i are
As love is
I wanted to pour my heart out,
But he wouldnt understand yet.
Not verbally
So i looked at him as i faught tears and said there is nothing more that i want is to be with you always. I miss you anytime i am not with you and you Cameron, are the reason why mummie is always happy. I will never leave you for long. Never gone for long. I thought to myself that i will say this to him whenever i need to leave. Never gone for long.
I wouldnt believe you if you were telling me this, but my son had been playing with my hands while i was talking with him and i didnt realize what he was trying to do until he pulled my other hand out from behind him and kissed it.
He had made sure both my hands were kissed.
He is magic like you wouldnt believe
He pulled me in for another hug.
I tried to stay forever but he pushed me away to find the tag on his puppy pillow
A comforting mannerism.
I did the same as a child but it was a puff n fluff bunny bear.
It never left my side.
I never want my son to leave my side

He is my sacred place.
The only thing i truly know exists in this life
My insides held him
Grew him
Birthed him
I keep him inside
He surrounds my heart,
The muscles that carries me.
Hes less than 30 lbs and about two feet tall.
That my dear is something to see
Something to feel.
A mother
To my son
This is my extraordinary reason

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Alone

Alone.
Such a simple word for such a overwhelming abyss
It can eat you from the inside out,
Before you even realize what is happening.
Its something you cant really see,
We all have a mask
To help us be where we need to be.
But as its eating,
Its taking pieces of you away.
Pieces you need.
Parts of you gone missing,
Like a toy without a head,
Body moving in any direction
You cant think,
That part of you is no longer there.
You end up in a ditch,
Unturned rocks have been sitting here.
Whose there to move them,
Whose there to see you.
When the world is moving so fast
And now your legs are missing.

Where can you run if alone has taken your legs,
What can you see if alone has stolen your eyes,
Why isnt anyone here to help you.
Stop the loneliness from eating you away.
Stop the pain from taking strengths place.

I need to find my body,
I need to find my face,
This silly mask doesnt work as a head,
I need to be whole, i need to recreate me.
We all crash and burn, before we even see the accidents we are already broken.
I need to climb back inside my head and rearrange my life, i need to take charge with a healthy me inside.
I will be my friend and i will be my hero, i will guide myself because i dont deserve to be alone. I know my son needs me.
Picking up my fingers, and placing them in my hands, arms to shoulder head to back bone, i will carry on and grow from this burn.
This is my story,
I dont need to be anyones backpack
Anyones bag, anybodys problem
So I’m throwing out alone,
And believing in myself,
I will carry on strong.