Sacred

The only thing i can count on
The only thing that is real
My one and only everything

It was an awakening
Giving birth to him
A soul inside of a soul
Him inside of me
Reaching the outside
becoming a being of reality
A soul inside of a soul
The start of his existence
Was inside of me
I held him
I fed him
He fed from me
He kept safe inside
Surrounding him for months
Encased in my organ
He reached the surface
He grew
He grows
Hes no longer in my body
But he is encased in another organ of mine
He is my pericardium

My love for him, it grows
When he became, i never thought i could love someone so much.
But i was wrong
I love him more and more everyday
As if he still resides inside of me
He is the only love ive ever really known
I cherish this love
Its something different than that l.o.v.e
You tend to see plastered on birthday cards and valentines.
Its that feeling that hurricanes in your stomach and rains from your eyes.
Jet packing through my mind.
Pulsating from bones.
That love you see in grandparents who made it through it all.
Hallelujah
It does exist.
It came from within
It grows inside of me just as he did

I was awakened when i gave birth to him
A soul within a soul.
Not just his inside of mine
But a level of me that seemed to manifest from a wormhole in my blood.
I had become aware of many feelings i had never felt before; that was just the beginning.

I was kissing him goodnight
He said mummies going to work
His breathing changed and his smile dwindled.
I felt a bullet try to penetrate my heart repeatedly.
But with love comes love
And i explained to him why i work and that he will be with daddy in the morning.
He said mummie no sad as he opened his heart to pull me in.
He then took my hand from his face,
I was still breathing his cheek in
And he kissed it.
I lost it on the inside as i often do in moments like these. As he and i are
As love is
I wanted to pour my heart out,
But he wouldnt understand yet.
Not verbally
So i looked at him as i faught tears and said there is nothing more that i want is to be with you always. I miss you anytime i am not with you and you Cameron, are the reason why mummie is always happy. I will never leave you for long. Never gone for long. I thought to myself that i will say this to him whenever i need to leave. Never gone for long.
I wouldnt believe you if you were telling me this, but my son had been playing with my hands while i was talking with him and i didnt realize what he was trying to do until he pulled my other hand out from behind him and kissed it.
He had made sure both my hands were kissed.
He is magic like you wouldnt believe
He pulled me in for another hug.
I tried to stay forever but he pushed me away to find the tag on his puppy pillow
A comforting mannerism.
I did the same as a child but it was a puff n fluff bunny bear.
It never left my side.
I never want my son to leave my side

He is my sacred place.
The only thing i truly know exists in this life
My insides held him
Grew him
Birthed him
I keep him inside
He surrounds my heart,
The muscles that carries me.
Hes less than 30 lbs and about two feet tall.
That my dear is something to see
Something to feel.
A mother
To my son
This is my extraordinary reason

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You& hope

I lit a candle and everything changed,

I began to see my shadows form on the walls. I fell into my mind.

 

 

Barely breathing,

I ripped the pages from my diary
And built myself a fire
Watching the amber waves form,
The warmth of my kinder tragedy’s, Free me, Free her

my memories are fading

Throw them away
Burn them to the ground.
Give me space

Give me time for my own history, and I will keep what I must

Shedding the weight of years
People I shouldnt have known
That old song it reminded me of you

It was a blue shirt and boots,

I could see his face but he was never really there

I was cold, always waiting and night too long

Im burning the tickets, my heart no longer needs that show.

I hear my soulcrowd shout,

keep me warm! keep me warm!

I never liked those sunday afternoons, but they burn sweetly

 

The past will fuel the fire until it eats itself alive,

leaving only pieces and prints left of what used to be.
I will always be me, this is why I am unafraid
This is my home, I reside in my mind

 

 

I used to have a diary,
I burnt it to the ground, filling up my holes
Letting the world save me
Oh Yankee, what a pretty flame

The only diagnosis is hope and you

Hippie? Dont categorize me

Why do we refuse to adapt to the earth.
As humans we think this is our planet instead of seeing the earth as a home,
We see it as ourselves and we refuse to make it work. We destroy and we change and we barely reuse. We keep creating more and more of us instead of fixing the problems around us.
I know its a little psychotic but i think we should stop bearing children for at least 5-10 years.
Lets pause our life cycles and fix this world we live on.
If we dont adapt, our world will destroy us.
We can see that in the last 10 years with the extreme weather conditions, hurricanes, volcanos, snowstorm, heat, drought, earthquakes.
All these signs that we see as “needing to keep ourselves safer, more prepared”.
Yet we dont see the problem.
We are the problem. Send out more satellites i missed the news last night and my gps took me the wrong way.
Awful ways we have succumb to,
Instead of seeking the answers outside.
Lets change our world?
No.
Lets change ourselves and adapt to the nature of this magical place.

No box needed

I dont think i actually have a box.
That is my mindset.
Subconsciously.
In the moment of consciousness.
I dont need a box.
I dont know how to think in one.
The times that i find myself trying to use one, its because someone has asked me to sit in there.
Like a timeout.
Stay. Think. Realize. Decide.
The act of common sense.
Inside a box.
What is so common when no one is the same.
Alot of “mistakes” that people say
“Oh that person shouldve used some common sense”
Well maybe there on their own way to finding it.
Their own individually scheduled awakening to all things human.
Place them in the box and they might find four walls.
Shred the box to pieces and they may discover the world inside themselves.
I wonder why comcast doesnt run free movies in the top right corner.
So much advertisement when no one is listening.
Throw on a movie and commercial with what else is on there and people will be less annoyed.
Maybs.
Chillen outside, no box needed.
I can see myself wearing a cardboard sign, like the ones you see lost souls holding.
“Think for yourself, breathe for yourself, throw the boxes away”
Lets rename the earth love.
Rename it orange.
Who named it earth anyways?
What does earth stand for?
E
A
R
T
H

What do you stand for?
Yourself? Your life? Your job? Your child? Your mistakes? Your compassion?
Your box?
Fuck the box.
Put it in recycling and live outside the four walls.

Chocolate milk sitting heavy in my belly.
My birthday’s on saturday.
Wonder if i should celebrate?
Or call it another day.
Not that i dont appreciate my life,
I just think skipping my own holiday may be a rebels delight.
It shall be nice. It shall be nice.

Superhuman?

My day ends when i take my bra off.
Physically as well as emotionally.
Its almost like a form of meditation.
I lose the days worries while im unhooking my strap.
(Makes me sound like a hoe selling tricks)
((Lmao))
We carry so much emotion in our thoughts, where we create feelings which release chemicals into our bodies which effect our muscles.
Our muscles remember.
My body knows.
The day is done.
2 minutes prior i felt my heart racing a little as i was thinking of tomorrow and everything i have to accomplish.
2 minutes later and bra-less
I began to breathe.

Im writing because thats what i do.
Im writing because i learned a lot today and i would like to carry it with me outside of my head as well as in it and in my body.

They are all one.
They are the stars.
The dust of stars, how magical they are.
They walk on two feet
And their hearts beat.
They breathe in their surroundings,
It keeps them alive.
They can see the light and they can see the night.
They can touch with many things,
Though they only like to believe what they can see and feel.
They can touch others with their minds, theirs hearts, their eyes, their souls, their energy.
They emit liquid from their eyes in moments of disaster and happiness.
And they can recall these moments and often emit again.
Creatures of habit, living only through what they know.
They can build but they often break.
They can swim but many sink.
They can dream but they lack hope

They feel their bodies are just too small to ever create more than what they think they know

I feel bad for these beautiful creatures,
Burning what isnt theirs.
Never fully living up to their full potential.
Maybe if they didnt think about all the others, they could channel their own magic.
And realize they are not from this earth,
They are spirits of one.

Star dust, thats what we are.
The unmeasurable power of stars,
Clashing together and sprinkling it on earth, such a tale to believe, but so true if we could only try to see; anything than what is right in front of us, behind us. To look within us.
Let us climb into our minds of wonder and be more than all we see.
Feel the force inside of you and be all you can be. Beyond your memories, beyond your pain, beyond any sufferings of yesterday.
Separate yourself if only for a moment,
And just sit inside.

In this moment of years..
I cant be anyone but me, i cant make things happen just because i want them to.
But i can be all i can be, because in everyday, in all of our lives,
We can be more than the average human, we can control out thoughts while life lets us live, and we can be happy, we can choose to feel what we want.
We can be all we can be.

Superhuman?
Why not?

We used to call him robbie

Simple moments.
The ones you find yourself thinking about again and again before you even realizing its still sitting at the front of your mind.

I thought my brother had asked me “how are you doing”
That moment severed into my memory bank, like a bullet. I couldnt recall the last time my brother had asked me that in a genuine way, a way that he never does or really ever has. The kind of way that isnt in his nature, to ask a question with out already having the next question ready or his own response.
Almost always talking at me, but technically to himself.
I was shocked, i let the feeling hit me hard. But the bullet was a blank, and i was mistaken.
We were talking to eachother from a distance, as he was walking into my mothers, and me on my porch.
” what are you doing ”
Is what he said.
Not asked. What he said.
This is his help me expression.
Not help in a hurt way,
More so,
Where can i release all this negative energy.
I told him about water for elephants.
He thought i meant come over now,
And then apologetically said he didnt want to wake my son. As if my “invitation” required him to tell me the reason why he couldnt.
If that makes sense.

Its funny how i feel.
How everyone feels, i imagine.
The millions of thought and emotions that intertwine throughout our bodies.

Nothings perfect,
Nothing is what it seems,
No worries are ever gone,
No plates are ever really clean.
No eyes are ever truly open,
No mouths are ever shut.
No minds are ever really asleep,
And no hearts should ever be broken for long.

I found myself smiling after i walked back into my apartment. Sliding the door shut to lock, i caught myself thinking “that was really nice”.
Not sarcastic.
The conversation was fine.
it was nice to see my brother,
Coming home from work,
In his scrubs, me yelling at him about his lack of winter gear in 30degree weather at 11:30pm.
He yelling love you, goodnight!
I was yelling the same.
The sigh in his voice I always have to ignore. An just enjoy the moment.
All the ones that make me think,
Before i even know im thinking it..
That was really nice.

And yes, dont worry.
Im doing just fine rob,
Incase you were wondering.
🙂

Mad scientist-unity

Maybe if the brain knew of its existence.. Maybe only then would all parts work together.
Maybe if it knew that it was a brain, and its job was to work with the body.. Maybe only then would all parts work together.
Maybe if they knew they knew they had soul, a spirit alive within them, a source we all have..
maybe they would realize they have a purpose, integrity, a reason for existence other than to exist.
Maybe if we knew how to tap into ourselves, other than our emotions, maybe we could find cures, other than experational remedies.
Nothing truly ends, everything will always exist.
We take new form, we see it everyday.
A seed becomes a flower becomes soil. Helping give life to another seed to become a flower.
Never ending existence, only with change are we all here.

Lets change the world and begin with ourselves. Can we tap into our bodies and awake all that lies within?
I asked my teacher the other night in pathology class, opening with ” this might sound a little hippie-ish” if we had thrombosis, and were heading towards a heart attack, blood pumping clots clotting, heart racing.. If we had the ability to tap into our circulatory system, being that we are “one with our minds and body”, could i potentially be able to redirect that clot and somehow dislodge and change the course of nature within myself? become a superhuman. Being able to control our entire bodies, could i stop that heart attack from happening?
Her answer was, in theory, Yes.
If only i was a mad scientist many years ago, i would spend years studying this theory of mind and body unity.
Or rather brain and body unity.
But im a mother employee student, daughter cousin sister aunt lover ex friend, in 2013 with a never ending imagination and curiosity to why we still live the way we do, with under developed abilities.
A human, a soul, a spirit, a conscience, a memory, a heart, two feet, two hands and one never ending mystery.
Wander in your wonders..

Slow speed

In these slow times
I try to unwind
Cables wrapped
Head ankles feet
Need to release
I felt free last night
Held a lover in my arms
The cables still wrapped
But i was numb
The worry blurred
All the lyrics made sense afterward
The space between
Save me dave
Matthews
Lovely soul

In these slow times
Everything moves so quick
Keep with the beat
Keep with the beat

The rain was playing music on my windowsill
My bed held me close
My blankets warm
My body barely there
I was still dreaming
Awake but sleeping
Hazy
Fog
Misty
My mind
The rain
My room
My life.
That should last longer than it does
Just breathing
Unconsciousness
Consciously living.

Im sitting in my car
The rain beating
Snow melting
Im racing
In these slow times
There is nothing slow about them

This place im in

Im sitting in the department of transitional assistance office right now.
Chicks in their slippers and kids in their pjs. Its four in the afternoon and 30 something degrees out.
I look around and it makes me feel like trash. A wastecase.
I know im not, im working hard.
I hate that im here,
That i have to be here in order to survive.
I saw a man with a sign on my way to the child care office.
“Jobless need money or work.”
My music blasting dubstep techno,
I barely heard his thank you after i handed him a 5.
He had orange eyes, almost the same color of his beat tims.
I almost felt like his friend.
Like we, in different circumstances could be friends.
Relate to eachother on a soulful level.
Maybe we did.
I wished i had turned down the music, i wouldve liked to really hear his voice after seeing those eyes.
Ive got a thing for voices,
I dont like my own.
A good friend of mine has said that those “homeless/jobless” people arent really what they say they are.
That thats what their job is, to stand there and take peoples money and they get paid for it.
I cant remember what exactly he said but it was something along those lines.
I cant help but get lost in my friends voice and energy sometimes.
I think its that love thing, two connected souls.
I try to listen but he numbs me it feels good. And i also dont wanna hear his somewhat pessimistic ways of thinking. I get too tired to share my optimism. Not in the mood to make a point.
Tho i should be more, with him.
Hes one of my only friends that appreciates what i think.

I saw 3 cruisers on my way here. Three cops standing around this man, one waving his baton. Twisting it around like an umbrella and he was a little girl.
The man with his hands behind his head looked like a character from a movie. A dirty old puffy patriots jacket, beanie on his head and puffy eyes.. pale face and no resistance, just there. Very city slum, living inside his own head, not a care in the world but where he could get his next buck and fix.
There was another man standing off to the side. Older, matching attire to the man being questioned. I bet they were in it together but the elder are less suspicious. That white hair carries respect, something i appreciate about this world and how some things will always remain the same. The older you are, the wiser you must be.
Such an oddful world.
I like making up my own words.
My boss/friend calls them “britisms”.

Ill be old one day, though i pretend its very far away. Im only 22 so in some sense it is a long “time” from now. ((iquote because what is time? but moments strung together in a rhythm we try to follow, always wasting it, wanting it, needing it, wanting to steal it, sleeping it, believing in it or watching it move along ))
But when i wake up one day when im 80, this day will feel like a dream.
Ill remember moments of being here in this office, wishing i could do more for my son and myself but not having the full ability to just yet. I wont remember these peoples faces or that flat screen that ive never seen on. Or the way people look at me when they see i shaved my head, all the length is gone. Its purple today. Yea thats a ring in her nose. ((Little do you know what kind of obstacles im balancing and influence i could have on you, could help you.))
But i hope to remember the power of these moments, the way they make me feel. The helplessness emotion, thats pushing me to want more, to never return to here in need of assistance, and being thankful for what they do, appreciation. and wishing everyone in here the integrity that i can feel inside my bones.
Obstacles
Prevail
Be worthy

That happy thing?

My teacher thought i was drunk or high in class tonight?
Some people forget you dont really need a reason to be happy.
when you are fully consumed in the moment it almost feels like the sun is shining.
Find time to center yourself in the present, let go of tomorrows worries and yesterdays mistakes, live in the now, its brighter here. Leave your trail of sunshine, even if the world doesnt understand.
If only she knew the blues i sometimes go through.
If she only knew it was okay to let go.
Ill stop myself here tho because i dont need to change anyone, they can change themselves an i will learn to look they other way when Im frowned upon in moments i am fully me.
Sticks n stones crazy deb.
The moment you get on meds is the moment ill stopp being such a bitch to you, cuz maybe then you will learn how to finish a damn sentence, find a train of thought, say what you mean and truly teach me what i need to know before im so lost in your words i dont even want to bother with the class. And maybe then you wont be so confused when you see me laugh, cuz you’ll see me being me. Just like everyone else being everyone else. You dont know who we are because you dont know yourself.
Take the times to see your faults and outline the greatness. Something you cant change but you can focus on the better things. Like your hair color.
I like your hair color. I look at it alot when im trying to find your point in the mess of all the words and simple unnecessary repetition.
Dark auburn. I almost dont notice your bigish nose.
Your eye shadows nice too.
Purple and tan pops the hazel, makes your eyes look less slanted.
Your funky necklaces are great. Takes focus off your low big boobs.
These are outlines, making some okay things better in a way. Find an outline to your world, filter yourself and figure it out. I cant learn from someone who doesnt know how to talk but thinks she knows everything im thinking but also believes im always confused.
Blah blah blah shish coom bah.
Done
Now
For real.