The only thing i can count on
The only thing that is real
My one and only everything

It was an awakening
Giving birth to him
A soul inside of a soul
Him inside of me
Reaching the outside
becoming a being of reality
A soul inside of a soul
The start of his existence
Was inside of me
I held him
I fed him
He fed from me
He kept safe inside
Surrounding him for months
Encased in my organ
He reached the surface
He grew
He grows
Hes no longer in my body
But he is encased in another organ of mine
He is my pericardium

My love for him, it grows
When he became, i never thought i could love someone so much.
But i was wrong
I love him more and more everyday
As if he still resides inside of me
He is the only love ive ever really known
I cherish this love
Its something different than that l.o.v.e
You tend to see plastered on birthday cards and valentines.
Its that feeling that hurricanes in your stomach and rains from your eyes.
Jet packing through my mind.
Pulsating from bones.
That love you see in grandparents who made it through it all.
It does exist.
It came from within
It grows inside of me just as he did

I was awakened when i gave birth to him
A soul within a soul.
Not just his inside of mine
But a level of me that seemed to manifest from a wormhole in my blood.
I had become aware of many feelings i had never felt before; that was just the beginning.

I was kissing him goodnight
He said mummies going to work
His breathing changed and his smile dwindled.
I felt a bullet try to penetrate my heart repeatedly.
But with love comes love
And i explained to him why i work and that he will be with daddy in the morning.
He said mummie no sad as he opened his heart to pull me in.
He then took my hand from his face,
I was still breathing his cheek in
And he kissed it.
I lost it on the inside as i often do in moments like these. As he and i are
As love is
I wanted to pour my heart out,
But he wouldnt understand yet.
Not verbally
So i looked at him as i faught tears and said there is nothing more that i want is to be with you always. I miss you anytime i am not with you and you Cameron, are the reason why mummie is always happy. I will never leave you for long. Never gone for long. I thought to myself that i will say this to him whenever i need to leave. Never gone for long.
I wouldnt believe you if you were telling me this, but my son had been playing with my hands while i was talking with him and i didnt realize what he was trying to do until he pulled my other hand out from behind him and kissed it.
He had made sure both my hands were kissed.
He is magic like you wouldnt believe
He pulled me in for another hug.
I tried to stay forever but he pushed me away to find the tag on his puppy pillow
A comforting mannerism.
I did the same as a child but it was a puff n fluff bunny bear.
It never left my side.
I never want my son to leave my side

He is my sacred place.
The only thing i truly know exists in this life
My insides held him
Grew him
Birthed him
I keep him inside
He surrounds my heart,
The muscles that carries me.
Hes less than 30 lbs and about two feet tall.
That my dear is something to see
Something to feel.
A mother
To my son
This is my extraordinary reason


Ma mummy mom

Sometimes I feel like a bad mom counting down the hours till the days end.
I know I’m wrong when I think this, because everyone needs a moment. Especially someone like me.
Young, separated from his dad, work 5 days a week, school 4 days a week, a big eventful family, a history of heartache thats going through another phase of strength.
Ive got a lot of baggage i guess one would say.
I dont bring much carry on with me though. I usually leave my bags at home when I’m living one place to the next. And unfortunately when I’m home, and just want to breathe, i think sometimes my son feels the weight of it all, the feelings i leave at home.

Im understanding that I will be a mom for the rest of my life.
This realization is a rush
Every time I think it.
Like getting a full smack to the chest
And water in my face.
This is my life, carried in the palm of his hand; not mine.
The most overwhelming beauty in this world, being a parent.
Im a fucking parent. Oh that word

I never thought I would be a single mom, I never dreamed as a kid to live the life I am now leading.
His father takes him two nights a week, and neither of those nights do I find air.
Spending it catching up on lost breathe and responsibilities.
Or a beer/wine with a friend to escape my mind. (I dont like that i do that, im better at staying in my head and working through the cornfield so I dont end up burying my belongings)
So Im not actually a single mom, but i still feel it.
Sometimes Im friends with his dad, sometimes we despise eachother, sometimes he looks cute, most times i wish he had a zipper on his mouth.
Sometimes i wish he was the man i thought he was. But that is my fault for not seeing the weak boy I was carrying, whom i thought was a man guiding me.

I wouldnt go back and touch up on any part of that past. None of it. It was madness, a wasteland, quick, long, passionate, hateful, angry, adoring young love that ended with a gift neither of us couldve imagined. 5 steps in a lesson of love that led to a never ending staircase of compassion
CameronAdam xoxox
He knows im mad when i say his middle name<3

I didnt go back to work until he was 8 months old. A good amount of early bonding time, though i wish i could pause what I need to do for us and do what i want to do with us.
Living a 35 year olds life in a 22 year olds body.

Im doing pretty well, just well though.
Working on the pretty, gonna trade it in for a very next year.

Terrible twos, student, employee, aries, kindred soul, young adult blues. This kind of honesty I keep in a case, unlocking it when i feel the need, but keeping it all wrapped up in my sundays best, with a ribbon and matching bows.
(Aint nobody gonna break my stride, can nobody hold me down..oh no..ive got to keep on moving)

My son is the coolest person i know,
He lights up my world, fills the sky with puffy cloud and blows the wind and waves. I cant wait for a little more time to pass because i cant wait to introduce him to the new and improved me

In this head

She sits here
Day in
Day out
She plays often
She escapes
She spelt out escape
She lives here.
She runs in here
Count to ten
Is she still there
Where did she go
Where can she be
The world whispers
She tells herself
“Come out come out wherever you are”
“…whoever you are”
” whoever you are becoming….”
((She didnt lock the door tonight)) (Maybe she felt safer hiding in her home)

Everyday is something new, a taste of the buffet of life, her life. This life.
Where can she be free.
Work has become an enclosure, a fish bowl atmosphere. Shes always said so much but doesnt feel like it anymore.
Theyre watching, observing. At least thats how she feels in certain moments. Not always. But always wanting to swim free.
Let me breathe bubbles and kick my fins how i want.

((Shes hasnt been a fish in her mind for a long time. Maybe sometimes you dont always have to fly, waves can thrill))

School has become a box of pills.
Anxiety ridden, teachers who cant breathe. Info she cant retain, so much info to sink her fins in.

Motherhood is a rollercoaster, learning and teaching giving receiving. Absorbing, reprimanding, laughing screaming, throwing, daring, creating. Always magic and always a lesson.

Family life is family life. Crazy as hell and always in a bowl full of pieces that somehow fit together but never fully one~
((Wheres the coolwhip))

Friend life……….. I think i have more than one friend. I think. Sometimes.
I believed i had more till last week.
I remembered i cant trust anyone but my music to set my mood and air to breathe it all in and out.

In her mind tonight, she will escape for a mere few hours, just to repeat but may the new day ((just as it always does)) bring her new colors and brighter eyes to the reality of herself and this world.
Stick it in a bottle and wish this world new ways, cuz this girl is sick of the struggle and cant sort the lessons by the days quick end.