The only thing i can count on
The only thing that is real
My one and only everything

It was an awakening
Giving birth to him
A soul inside of a soul
Him inside of me
Reaching the outside
becoming a being of reality
A soul inside of a soul
The start of his existence
Was inside of me
I held him
I fed him
He fed from me
He kept safe inside
Surrounding him for months
Encased in my organ
He reached the surface
He grew
He grows
Hes no longer in my body
But he is encased in another organ of mine
He is my pericardium

My love for him, it grows
When he became, i never thought i could love someone so much.
But i was wrong
I love him more and more everyday
As if he still resides inside of me
He is the only love ive ever really known
I cherish this love
Its something different than that l.o.v.e
You tend to see plastered on birthday cards and valentines.
Its that feeling that hurricanes in your stomach and rains from your eyes.
Jet packing through my mind.
Pulsating from bones.
That love you see in grandparents who made it through it all.
It does exist.
It came from within
It grows inside of me just as he did

I was awakened when i gave birth to him
A soul within a soul.
Not just his inside of mine
But a level of me that seemed to manifest from a wormhole in my blood.
I had become aware of many feelings i had never felt before; that was just the beginning.

I was kissing him goodnight
He said mummies going to work
His breathing changed and his smile dwindled.
I felt a bullet try to penetrate my heart repeatedly.
But with love comes love
And i explained to him why i work and that he will be with daddy in the morning.
He said mummie no sad as he opened his heart to pull me in.
He then took my hand from his face,
I was still breathing his cheek in
And he kissed it.
I lost it on the inside as i often do in moments like these. As he and i are
As love is
I wanted to pour my heart out,
But he wouldnt understand yet.
Not verbally
So i looked at him as i faught tears and said there is nothing more that i want is to be with you always. I miss you anytime i am not with you and you Cameron, are the reason why mummie is always happy. I will never leave you for long. Never gone for long. I thought to myself that i will say this to him whenever i need to leave. Never gone for long.
I wouldnt believe you if you were telling me this, but my son had been playing with my hands while i was talking with him and i didnt realize what he was trying to do until he pulled my other hand out from behind him and kissed it.
He had made sure both my hands were kissed.
He is magic like you wouldnt believe
He pulled me in for another hug.
I tried to stay forever but he pushed me away to find the tag on his puppy pillow
A comforting mannerism.
I did the same as a child but it was a puff n fluff bunny bear.
It never left my side.
I never want my son to leave my side

He is my sacred place.
The only thing i truly know exists in this life
My insides held him
Grew him
Birthed him
I keep him inside
He surrounds my heart,
The muscles that carries me.
Hes less than 30 lbs and about two feet tall.
That my dear is something to see
Something to feel.
A mother
To my son
This is my extraordinary reason


Slow speed

In these slow times
I try to unwind
Cables wrapped
Head ankles feet
Need to release
I felt free last night
Held a lover in my arms
The cables still wrapped
But i was numb
The worry blurred
All the lyrics made sense afterward
The space between
Save me dave
Lovely soul

In these slow times
Everything moves so quick
Keep with the beat
Keep with the beat

The rain was playing music on my windowsill
My bed held me close
My blankets warm
My body barely there
I was still dreaming
Awake but sleeping
My mind
The rain
My room
My life.
That should last longer than it does
Just breathing
Consciously living.

Im sitting in my car
The rain beating
Snow melting
Im racing
In these slow times
There is nothing slow about them

I am aware

Its been about a month now.
This mind racing feeling that i get when im not busy juggling my life.
I find my mind searching through myself, almost trying to peer at everything in one glance and sorting through it all at the same time.
Consciously aware of the change happening inside me. My jimmeny cricket telling me everythings alright, this is normal.
I should breathe.
Keep breathing.

Remember that time you were breathing?
Remember those times you werent?
Keep breathing, take more air,
Keep it for yourself,
You should breathe more

The butterfly will sink in soon enough.
Letting go of who i once was.
The girl i thought i would always be.
Ive been holding on so tight,
I didnt realize the past was her main focus, all she could see.
It had helped her get to a certain point, a strong point that made her me
But now shes older and grown.
She must continue on.
Wrapped in this fancy new cocoon.
Maybe this should be called a quarter life crisis.
Im more emotional now than ive ever been but its going towards something good.
Im finally doing something for me,
And allowing my mind to help my heart.
Fuel my soul

In this head

She sits here
Day in
Day out
She plays often
She escapes
She spelt out escape
She lives here.
She runs in here
Count to ten
Is she still there
Where did she go
Where can she be
The world whispers
She tells herself
“Come out come out wherever you are”
“…whoever you are”
” whoever you are becoming….”
((She didnt lock the door tonight)) (Maybe she felt safer hiding in her home)

Everyday is something new, a taste of the buffet of life, her life. This life.
Where can she be free.
Work has become an enclosure, a fish bowl atmosphere. Shes always said so much but doesnt feel like it anymore.
Theyre watching, observing. At least thats how she feels in certain moments. Not always. But always wanting to swim free.
Let me breathe bubbles and kick my fins how i want.

((Shes hasnt been a fish in her mind for a long time. Maybe sometimes you dont always have to fly, waves can thrill))

School has become a box of pills.
Anxiety ridden, teachers who cant breathe. Info she cant retain, so much info to sink her fins in.

Motherhood is a rollercoaster, learning and teaching giving receiving. Absorbing, reprimanding, laughing screaming, throwing, daring, creating. Always magic and always a lesson.

Family life is family life. Crazy as hell and always in a bowl full of pieces that somehow fit together but never fully one~
((Wheres the coolwhip))

Friend life……….. I think i have more than one friend. I think. Sometimes.
I believed i had more till last week.
I remembered i cant trust anyone but my music to set my mood and air to breathe it all in and out.

In her mind tonight, she will escape for a mere few hours, just to repeat but may the new day ((just as it always does)) bring her new colors and brighter eyes to the reality of herself and this world.
Stick it in a bottle and wish this world new ways, cuz this girl is sick of the struggle and cant sort the lessons by the days quick end.