Sometimes I feel like a bad mom counting down the hours till the days end.
I know I’m wrong when I think this, because everyone needs a moment. Especially someone like me.
Young, separated from his dad, work 5 days a week, school 4 days a week, a big eventful family, a history of heartache thats going through another phase of strength.
Ive got a lot of baggage i guess one would say.
I dont bring much carry on with me though. I usually leave my bags at home when I’m living one place to the next. And unfortunately when I’m home, and just want to breathe, i think sometimes my son feels the weight of it all, the feelings i leave at home.
Im understanding that I will be a mom for the rest of my life.
This realization is a rush
Every time I think it.
Like getting a full smack to the chest
And water in my face.
This is my life, carried in the palm of his hand; not mine.
The most overwhelming beauty in this world, being a parent.
Im a fucking parent. Oh that word
I never thought I would be a single mom, I never dreamed as a kid to live the life I am now leading.
His father takes him two nights a week, and neither of those nights do I find air.
Spending it catching up on lost breathe and responsibilities.
Or a beer/wine with a friend to escape my mind. (I dont like that i do that, im better at staying in my head and working through the cornfield so I dont end up burying my belongings)
So Im not actually a single mom, but i still feel it.
Sometimes Im friends with his dad, sometimes we despise eachother, sometimes he looks cute, most times i wish he had a zipper on his mouth.
Sometimes i wish he was the man i thought he was. But that is my fault for not seeing the weak boy I was carrying, whom i thought was a man guiding me.
I wouldnt go back and touch up on any part of that past. None of it. It was madness, a wasteland, quick, long, passionate, hateful, angry, adoring young love that ended with a gift neither of us couldve imagined. 5 steps in a lesson of love that led to a never ending staircase of compassion
He knows im mad when i say his middle name<3
I didnt go back to work until he was 8 months old. A good amount of early bonding time, though i wish i could pause what I need to do for us and do what i want to do with us.
Living a 35 year olds life in a 22 year olds body.
Im doing pretty well, just well though.
Working on the pretty, gonna trade it in for a very next year.
Terrible twos, student, employee, aries, kindred soul, young adult blues. This kind of honesty I keep in a case, unlocking it when i feel the need, but keeping it all wrapped up in my sundays best, with a ribbon and matching bows.
(Aint nobody gonna break my stride, can nobody hold me down..oh no..ive got to keep on moving)
My son is the coolest person i know,
He lights up my world, fills the sky with puffy cloud and blows the wind and waves. I cant wait for a little more time to pass because i cant wait to introduce him to the new and improved me